14 Injured Tripping Over Selves Denying Abbas Condemned Terrorist Attack

Ramallah, April 19 – After a delegation of left-wing Israeli lawmakers insisted that Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas had expressed his disgust at the Monday night shooting near Hebron that left an Israeli father dead, dozens of the leader’s representatives and aides rushed headlong to deny he said any such thing, with more than a dozen sustaining injuries in the process.

More radical Palestinian factions have accused Abu Mazen of compassion for Israelis and of betraying the Palestinian national cause by forsaking the path of direct violent confrontation to engage in US-sponsored peace negotiations. To prevent further charges that Abbas projects weakness as a result of the alleged condemnation, two aides jumped to his defense and hit their heads on a doorway. They were listed in moderate but stable condition Saturday.

Two others suffered lacerations when they took the brunt of various cutting remarks directed at Abbas’s Fatah faction for eschewing violence. The remarks from Hamas and Islamic Jihad were intended to lace into Abbas, but one of his bodyguards and a personal assistant threw themselves in the path of the oncoming words to spare him any harm.

Another five spokesmen sprained ankles, shoulders, and wrists when they tied themselves in knots to portray continued demonization of Israel as consistent with continued pursuit of a peace agreement with Israel.

One office worker suffered a pulled muscle when he stuck his neck out and acknowledged that Abbas might have said something generally disapproving of violence, but nothing that could be construed as specifically denouncing the killing of an Israeli. He is expected to make a full recovery, unlike the father and husband who was shot by Palestinian terrorists.

The other four injuries occurred as underlings and cronies continued to jockey for position as heir apparent to the 79-year-old leader. Injuries included abrasions from excessive rubbing of elbows with other senior figures, and strained neck muscles as a result of continually twisting to avoid suspected backstabbing.