2-State Solution Advocates Admit Idea Outdated, Move Up To Touting 8-Tracks

The time has come to recognize the failure of every such model that has been proposed, and to promote ideas with more contemporary relevance.

Jerusalem, May 22 – Israeli political figures who long advocated a long-term resolution with the Palestinians that encompasses two states for two peoples have admitted that the notion has run its course and no longer remains relevant to the current situation. Instead of continuing to push for an obsolete goal, they announced, they will adopt a more forward-looking approach, and are joining forces to market 8-track recording and playback devices.

Dozens of current and former legislators and officials from active parties such as Labor, Meretz, and Hatnua, as well as from defunct parties such as Kadima, Shinnui, and HaMerkaz, acknowledged today that after decades of pushing for a peace framework that created a Palestinian state next to Israel, the time had come to recognize the failure of every such model that has been proposed, and to promote ideas with more contemporary relevance to recommend them, such as audio recording and playback systems that fell out of fashion by the late 1970’s.

The politicians have formed an advocacy group devoted to the marketing and sale of Stereo-8 technology, the formal name for the once-popular audio format called eight-tracks. “We are already the third or fourth generation who have worked toward a peace agreement of some sort,” explained Hatnua Chairwoman Tzipi Livni, currently part of the Zionist Union alliance with Labor. “I spent Netanyahu’s last term chasing after the Palestinians to get them to negotiate a final status agreement, but I realize now what a waste of time it was. They’ll never be interested in any agreement that leaves us a sovereign people in any part of our ancestral land. I wish I’d realized that long before. At least now we can engage in pursuits that aren’t relics of a discredited, obsolete mindset, such as eight-tracks.”

“We just didn’t heed all the indications,” concurred Shaul Mofaz, the last head of the moribund Kadima Party. “Kadima’s own Prime Minister Olmert made a genuine, far-reaching offer with unprecedented concessions, and was turned down. We must not have been paying attention when Arafat turned down Barak in 2000. Or when the Arab nations made their Khartoum declaration. Or when they rejected partition into two states in 1947. And 1937. We’ve been stuck in 1937, basically. Well, it’s time to move forward into the present.”

“Anyone want to buy a Palm Pilot?” he added. “It’s the latest thing.”

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