2 Syrian Prisons Make TripAdvisor List Of World’s Top Ten Torture Facilities

They edged out such infamous venues as Guantanamo Bay, Russian labor camps, and most of China’s vast penal system.

Palmyra, Syria, February 26 – Syrian authorities expressed satisfaction today that their work has been recognized, pointing to the TripAdvisor ranking of worldwide prison and torture facilities that placed the country’s Saydnaya and Adra Prison complexes in the top ten.

TripAdviosr released its ranking last week, placing the notorious centers of abuse and murder third and seventh, respectively, among all such facilities around the world, edging out such infamous venues as Guantanamo Bay, Russian labor camps, and most of China’s vast penal system. China grabbed the top two spots and numbers eight and nine for their achievements in state-sanctioned prison atrocities. Rounding out the top ten were a Belorussian interrogation and incarceration center outside Minsk in second place,  an Islamic State dungeon-like prison on the Iraq-Syria border in fourth, a Palestinian “detention” center for President Mahmoud Abbas’s political opponents in fifth, and Pakistani and North Korean facilities rounding out sixth and tenth places.

At a press conference at Adra Prison this morning, Minister of Public Security Dees Membr praised his staff and the vast array of guards, soldiers, police, and interrogators who have contributed to the success. “This achievement belong to all of you,” he gushed, with uncharacteristic magnanimity. “Never before has our glorious nation secured a spot in the top five, let alone two in the top ten. All of you, from the fingernail-pullers and the skin-flayers to the stranglers and the bludgeoners, from the gang-rapers to the castraters – the glory of this milestone belongs to you.”

To mark the occasion, Minister Membr announced an economic bonus for all guards and administrators in the two facilities. “In addition to several hundred extra pounds this month, you will get some more time off from the hard work of beating people to death, impaling them with all manner of sharp objects, and causing fatal third-degree burns,” he pronounced. “You will each receive three extra paid vacation days this year. Spend more time with our families. Take this opportunity to transmit our values to your children, in the relaxed atmosphere of your homes, or on a family trip, far from the screaming inmates, the blood, the severed body parts, the feces and the urine. You’ve earned it.”

The last time Syria reached such a prestigious rank came in 1982, when Condé-Nast named Hafez Assad – current Presdient Basher Assad’s father – the bloodthirstiest tyrant of the year, following the Hama massacre in which the Syrian army besieged, shelled, and eventually destroyed most of the city of Hama, resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands and the expulsion of many more.

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