4 Injured In IDF Warehouse When Mishap Opens Cans Of Whup-Ass

Army regulations call for cans of any substance as volatile as whup-ass to be secured in such a fashion that they are not subject to sudden impact.

Zikkim, July 6 – Two soldiers and two civilian contractors suffered injuries this morning when a mishandled fork lift at an Israeli army weapons storage facility knocked the contents of a crate onto the floor and caused the cans of whup-ass inside to open.

A spokesman for the base commander told reporters that at approximately 8:30 Thursday morning, the rear wheel of a fork lift struck the leg of a shelving unit on which a crate of whup-ass cans was sitting, causing the collapse of the unit. The crate burst upon impact with the concrete floor, and six of the eighteen cans of whup-ass ruptured. The fork lift driver suffered moderate injuries, and three other people present were treated for lacerations and shock. Residents of the area reported hearing a series of large booms, which they initially mistook for Hamas rockets from the nearby Gaza Strip hitting the ground.

“Our preliminary investigation into the incident points to carelessness on the part of the fork lift operator,” declared Major Ahi Fashla. “He should have taken proper precautions and adhered to the lines painted on the warehouse floor. But we are also considering disciplinary action against the warehouse manager, who may have violated safety protocols by resting cans of whup-ass on such an unstable surface. Army regulations call for cans of any substance as volatile as whup-ass to be secured in such a fashion that they are not subject to sudden impact.”

The last documented use of whup-ass by the IDF was against Syrian military vehicles almost two weeks ago in response to artillery and mortar shells from the civil war in that country that landed in Israel. Occasional deployment of whup-ass against Palestinian militants has occurred over the last three years, but the last major use of whup-ass by the IDF took place in the summer of 2014, when IDF air, ground, and naval forces opened hundreds of cans of whup-ass on Hamas positions and facilities in the Gaza Strip over the course of more than seven weeks, in response to rocket fire and the abduction and murder of three Israeli teenagers.

Residents described hearing the sound and recalling that war. “It was louder than most of the rockets and mortar shells that hit in the area,” recounted Arbitz Lahem of Kibbutz Zikkim. “I’m mostly worried about how many cans of whup-ass the IDF has left in its stockpiles. I understand the Security Council might try to make any further prodction of whup-ass illegal.”

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