500,000 Killed In Party Mishap As Iran Unwraps Gift Of Entire Mideast From Obama

Precise casualty figures on the giftwrap-related disaster are hard to come by, but estimates range from just under 300,000 dead to more than 500,000.

Homs, Syria, July 17 – Half a million people were killed across the region this decade after Iran’s unwrapping a present from the administration of Barack Obama, consisting of almost the entire Middle East, unleashed a wave of violence, displacement, and terror.

The Obama administration had arranged the gift through Russian intermediaries, as part of a longer series of gestures from the White House and State Department beginning in 2009 and officially ending earlier this year, though some residual elements of the gift package have continued to accrue to Iran from administration holdovers the State Department and punditariat. The unwrapping, however, has so far taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of bystanders in Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, the Gaza Strip, Israel, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Afghanistan, Jordan, and elsewhere, with deadly repercussions reaching beyond the region into Europe and North America.

Precise casualty figures on the giftwrap-related disaster are hard to come by, but estimates range from just under 300,000 dead to more than 500,000, with millions more rendered homeless, internally displaced, or refugees. According to witnesses, the first wave of fatalities resulting from the unwrapping of Obama’s gift to Iran occurred in 2009, as the administration presented the Islamic Republic with carte blanche in repressing a democratic uprising and cementing the rule of the Ayatollahs.

Deaths continued as Iran unwrapped other gifts in the package, prominent among them hegemony in Syria, beginning in 2011, where the bulk of the casualties and displacement have occurred. The gift of unfettered control over Syria, facilitated by Obama’s parallel appeasement of Russia, drove a wave of refugees and migrants to Europe, where the resulting ethnic tensions have wrought further terrorism and death, accounting for hundreds more casualties. The gifting of Syria to Iran gave the Shiite Islamic Republic a channel to the Mediterranean through Shiite-majority Iraq, vassal Syria, and Shiite Hezbollah-dominated Lebanon.

The most significant gift in the series, however, was the JCPOA nuclear deal of 2015 that legalized the regime’s pursuit of nuclear weapons and ballistic missile capabilities. Casualties continued to mount when the JCPOA was unwrapped, as its potency enabled Iran to sow further death and displacement through proxy militias in Syria, Iraq, and Yemen, and to absorb what was left of the Syrian army into units forces loyal to Tehran.

Sour faces have prevailed, however, in recent weeks in the Iranian capital, as the Trump administration has attempted to curtail the flow of further gifts that began under Obama, most notably the attempted control of Qatar and the Persian Gulf.

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