72 Virgins Each Get 1 Khashoggi Body Part

“This is an unusual phenomenon,” admitted Archangel Gabriel.

Janna, October 23 – A dissident Islamist journalist murdered and dismembered by agents of the Saudi Arabian regime three weeks ago received his reward of six dozen pristine women in Heaven for dying a martyr’s death, with each segment of his dismembered body assigned a different such consort.

The pieces of Jamal Khashoggi’s corpse reached Paradise on 2 October, following an operation in which the writer was lured into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Turkey, and, according to various accounts, dispatched in grisly fashion. Political fallout from the episode continues in the earthly realm, while in the afterlife, Mr. Khashoggi’s disposition has meant that he can receive attention simultaneously from all the seventy-two virgins he has earned, though not in the manner he may have expected.

“This is an unusual phenomenon,” admitted Archangel Gabriel. “But you know, you play the hand you’re dealt. More accurately in this case, the bone and muscle fragments of one hand that you’re dealt, that could be reassembled to some degree.”

Heavenly virgins have voiced disappointment. “This is… not what I was told would happen,” groused Fatma, who has waited for Mr. Khashoggi for more than a thousand years. “This is supposed to be Janna, not its opposite. None of the briefings, training, or preparation covered this eventuality. What the devil am I supposed to do with only part of the lower left lobe of his lungs?”

“Really?” mouthed a disgusted Mariam. “There must be some mistake. I’m not getting near that section of small intestine, whether or not it’s attached to the rest of his digestive tract. No thank you.”

Khashoggi himself has yet to provide a noticeable reaction to the situation. “It’s kind of hard to get a coherent response,” acknowledged Gabriel. “But it’s got to be better for him than any alternative, I’d wager. We pour a fifth of Chivas over his remains every couple of hours, just to keep him content. I hope that’s working.”

A similar issue arose seventeen years ago when four groups of shahids appeared in the afterlife in close succession one September morning, consisting of nothing but ash. Heavenly officials on duty at the time recounted the dilemma of how to treat them. “We had a good couple of weeks of deliberations,” recalled Archangel Michael. “If memory serves, I believe in the end we settled on using the ash for the noble purpose of covering the excrement of Muhammad’s steed Buraq.”

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