Melee In Palestinian Starbucks As Every Patron Claims To Be Real Slim Shady

Palestinian envoy to the United Nations Riyad Mansour told reporters he would request that his Arab colleagues at the organization draft a Security Council resolution reaffirming every Palestinian as the real Slim Shady.

Ramallah, February 6 – Police broke up a riot today at a coffee shop in the de facto Palestinian capital that according to initial reports began when all 15 customers identified themselves as the person whose name the barista had just announced.

Eyewitness accounts indicate that at about nine this morning a worker at the city’s only Starbucks Coffee spoke the name “Slim Shady” into the microphone to summon the person who placed the order. An argument then ensued between two men identifying themselves by that name, whereupon the other dozen or so patrons on the premises joined the cacophony, each one claiming to be the owner of the venti soy macchiato. The barista urged the real Slim Shady to stand up, but the admonishment failed to clarify who ordered the coffee. Police arrived ten minutes later and arrested four men; six customers and the barista sought treatment at a local hospital for light injuries.

“I heard a commotion and got close, but not too close, you know what I mean?” recalled a bystander who gave her name as Minnem. “I could make out some shouting, mostly things like, ‘I’m the real Slim Shady, my ancestors were Slim Shady since the Philistines’ and ‘Impostor! Mine were the real Slim Shady when the Canaanites were here!’ People were pushing and shoving and it was only a matter of time before the stones, knives, and explosives started to feature, so I kept away.”

“It’s kind of what we do,” observed another who gave his name only as Masri, which means “from Egypt.” “We establish our claim to the land or anything else by making the most robust contention we can. Me, for instance, my ancestors evolved here directly from bacteria. Not like one of the people I know who was in the scuffle, whose name is Baghdadi, which I need not tell you is not around here. By the way, I’m actually the real Slim Shady, and whoever ordered coffee using my name is going to hear from me.”

Palestinian envoy to the United Nations Riyad Mansour told reporters he would request that his Arab colleagues at the organization draft a Security Council resolution reaffirming every Palestinian as the real Slim Shady and condemning Israel for hampering Slim Shady’s movement, freedom, and access to decent coffee. “This is an issue of global importance,” he declared. “There cannot be peace or regional stability until the world recognizes us as the real Slim Shady.”

Please support our work through Patreon.