Assad Just Killing Off Civilians So None Get Hurt When He Attacks Rebels

“The international news media, controlled by our enemies, will continue to portray our noble efforts as barbaric.”

Idlib, June 4 – Syrian forces have targeted noncombatants in the country’s eight-year-old civil war to endure that when strikes take place against rebel targets no civilians remain who can become casualties, a spokesman for the armed forces reported today.

Colonel Mustafa Falasi of the Syria Arab Army told a group of regime-approved journalists that the extensive barrel bombing, chemical warfare, indiscriminate artillery shelling, and other offensive operations hitting civilians aim to clear the areas in question of noncombatants so that when such attacks take place against insurgent positions, no noncombatants are still alive to be killed as collateral damage.

“Syria takes its human rights obligations seriously,” intoned the colonel. “As such, we are taking painstaking measures, assisted by our allies from Russia and Iran, to eliminate all civilians from combat zones, lest they get maimed or killed when fighting occurs later on.”

“These measures are for the civilians’ own good,” he continued. “We do regret that often they do not perceive the benefits of not being around when an offensive takes place, and they raise a public outcry that the media then echo. Nevertheless, our efforts to remove them from the combat areas will continue until there are none left. Unfortunately, the international news media, controlled by our enemies, will ignore this commitment to the laws of armed conflict, and continue to portray our noble efforts as barbaric.”

More than half a million Syrians have been killed in the civil war that broke out in 2011, with millions more rendered refugees or internally displaced within the country. Shiite, Sunni, Palestinian, and other armed groups allied with the Assad regime have implemented similar policies in areas they have assaulted, on a more limited scale given their lack of air or artillery resources. “We are not always able to conduct pre-assault operations to eliminate civilians,” admitted a member of the Shiite Lebanese group Hezbollah, now heavily invested in Syria at the behest of Iran. “We lack the air power of the Russian Air Force, even of the Syrian Air Force, and our artillery can only do a partial job,” noted Colonel Falasi. “So we have to make sure to kill the civilians first when our infantry approaches enemy positions, because we don’t want them killed in the subsequent fighting. It makes our job as soldiers more difficult, but that’s what we’re trained to do.”

“Unlike the barbaric Zionists,” added the colonel, “who don’t make the effort to eliminate all the noncombatants before an attack. Monsters.”

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