IDF To Solve Gaza Sewage Crisis By Turning Hamas Tunnels Into Cesspools

The spokesmen declined to specify whether the tunnels will be cleared of Hamas personnel beforehand.

Gaza City, August 6 – A protracted ecological and health hazard may soon find resolution, Israeli military sources disclosed today, a resolution that involves redirecting the isolated coastal strip’s waste water from pumping untreated into the Mediterranean, instead sending it into the maze of underground attack, smuggling, and logistical passages that crisscross the territory.

Ministry of Defense spokesmen revealed today that in the next anticipated flareup of large-scale fighting with the Islamist movement Hamas – which, along with several smaller militant allies governs Gaza – the army will take ambitious measures to stop raw sewage from flowing into the sea by directing it to a more appropriate destination, mainly Hamas’s numerous tunnels. The spokesmen declined to specify whether the tunnels will be cleared of Hamas personnel beforehand.

“The sewage crisis poses a public heath hazard for the people of the Gaza Strip,” explained ministry representative Michal Biyuv. “Unfortunately for them, Hamas prefers to keep them suffering, as Palestinian pain is the currency of their movement. Supplies that can repair, replace, or upgrade the territory’s sewage system instead serve as components for rockets or other weaponry, and the risks of disease mount. It appears to be only a matter of time before the next outbreak of hostilities, and one of Israel’s goals in the course of any such operation will include redesigning Gaza’s sewage infrastructure to fill Hamas’s tunnels with the outflow.”

In addition to removing the public health hazard from Gaza’s 2 million inhabitants, the move will allow the ecosystem off that portion of the Mediterranean Sea to recover, which in turn will allow Israel to resume use of desalination plants along the coastline north of the strip. “The entire region suffers from freshwater shortages,” noted a second spokeswoman, May Sh’fakhim. “Israel’s water management has resulted in surpluses and in agreements with neighbors to supply them with drinking water, with Gaza also benefiting. Diverting the flow of sewage into the tunnels instead of the sea will help Gaza as well, since Israel can then augment its desalination capacity.”

Ms. Sh’fakhim acknowledged that any such move will have to wait until the IDF receives orders to reoccupy Gaza. “Our last presence there came to an end in 2005, and things have only gotten worse for both sides ever since,” she observed. “Hamas does’t appear interested in any solution. It’s almost as if Hamas doesn’t actually care about its constituents and only seeks to leverage every item, image, and piece of rhetoric for its militant ends.”

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