“The key is to pace yourself.”
Jerusalem, August 8 – A local adolescent estimates he only has a day or two left before he reaches the goal he set in June for diminished mental capacity resulting from disuse of his cognitive faculties while school is out.
Rafi Sugarman, 17, completed his junior year of high school a month and a half ago, and immediately developed a schedule to restore his brain to the status it enjoyed before the school year began and various educators attempted to fill it with useless knowledge such as the use of the cosine. Sugarman established a rigorous daily routine to enable all that data to escape and to return his mind to its more natural, blissful state: rereading books below his level, binge-watching superhero shows and movies, sleeping late, gaming, texting inanities to friends, and eating large quantities of junk food. He aimed to achieve his September 2018 mental capacity by mid-August this year, and voiced satisfaction this morning at hitting that point several days ahead of schedule – more than three weeks before sessions resume September 1.
“I’m on track to do much better than last year,” he gushed. “It took me until the last week of summer vacation to reset my brain entirely. But this year I vowed to do better, and have adhered to a strict regimen of goofing off, lazing about, dulling my senses, and forgetting what I’ve learned.”
“The key is to pace yourself,” Sugarman explained. “You can’t just try to get rid of all that learning in the space of a few days, or even a couple weeks. The brain can’t handle the strain, and you’ll end up remembering more than you want to. Last year, for the life of me I couldn’t forget six or seven important rules of grammar, and let me tell you, it’s embarrassing when that comes up among my friends. I had to work to hide that I knew how to construct a coherent sentence – and suffered the entire academic year because of that disadvantage going in. But not this year.”
“This year I’ve got it all planned out and it’s working like a charm,” he continued. “In the morning I make sure never to get up before ten o’clock, and then, after a leisurely breakfast of over-sweet cereal, I spend three to four hours on watching productions from the Marvel Comics Extended Universe: Daredevil, Deadpool, X-Men, Avengers, you know. Sometimes I spice it up with DC stuff such as the various Batman movies. Then it’s time for a pizza lunch in the late afternoon, and I read fantasy stuff I’ve read before instead of doing chores or putting away my clean laundry. Nighttime has me listening to music while I surf the net for trivia tidbits on my favorite characters and plot points, with a smattering of Percy Jackson fan fiction and some Fortnite.”
“And not one goddamn time have I encountered a secant or quadratic formula,” he boasted.
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