Out-Of-Shape IDF Recruits Now Eligible To Serve As Mannequins At Lebanese Border

The army will thus expand eligibility for “combat” status, which commands greater prestige and higher pay.

Shlomi, September 4 – A new Israeli military tactic in the long-running conflict with the Shiite militia Hezbollah has created combat opportunities for soldiers who otherwise would not meet the physical fitness and ability requirements to serve in such units, an IDF spokesman announced today.

Brigadier General Ronen Manelis, the official IDF spokesperson, convened a press conference on this northern border town today to notify the public of the change in policy, which heretofore had required more stringent levels of fitness for inclusion in units that come into direct contact with the enemy. Now, he stated, the army will expand eligibility for “combat” status, which commands greater prestige and higher pay, among other benefits: soldiers whose physical profile falls short of the profile required for infantry, cavalry, or artillery units of the ground corps may still opt for combat status by serving as decoy troops to fool would-be attackers.

A weekend incident in which Hezbollah fired antitank missiles at an Israeli military vehicle they thought contained soldiers – but in fact contained lifelike dummies – followed a period of efforts on the part of the IDF to sow confusion among Hezbollah and permit the organization to “retaliate” for losses over the last several weeks by taking out an IDF target – one that the IDF had tricked them into thinking carried humans. In the wake of the disclosure that the targeted vehicle contained only mannequins, Hezbollah has scrambled to conduct public relations damage control. Experts differ on whether the episode will prove effective in defusing the anticipated escalation that such attacks can spark, or whether Hezbollah will try again to kill real people.

If they do, General Manelis explained, the army will be ready for them with either more mannequins or a slew of otherwise non-combat-worthy enlistees. “These desk jockeys, musicians, and others can now serve in a similar capacity to their fitter colleagues,” he declared. “They will enable the IDF  to keep its front-line troops out of harm’s way, which is among our organization’s top priorities, as can be seen from our unwillingness to take the fight to the enemy, whether in Lebanon or Gaza. ‘Containment’ policy requires that we refrain from escalating when our soldiers or citizens are attacked again and again, because we wouldn’t want to do any actual fighting. Better to sacrifice mannequins, or, when those are unavailable, less-fit soldiers, while the fit soldiers are then free to conduct training exercises such as failing to guard equipment at Tzeelim Base from theft, or removing Jews from their homes and not conducting court-approved demolitions of illegal Palestinian structures.”

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