Study Finds Real Jews Are The Ones Who Agree With Your Politics

“Whereas previous assessments almost all relied on, or gave significant weight to, adherence to some sort of explicit ancient tradition, our model has determined those those factors are a mere distraction.”

Credit: Peter via Wikimedia Commons

London, November 27 – Groundbreaking new research into the nature of authentic Judaism has confirmed what many have long suspected: that a person’s status as a true member of the Jewish faith hinges on whether the subject’s Jewishness advances or hinders your political agenda.

Scientists at the Institute for the Study of Authenticity of Yiddish Status of Opinions (ISAYSO) published the results of a study today in which they claim to have proved that the strength of a person’s claim to membership in the Jewish people or faith is directly proportional to the extent to which they agree with you on matters of public policy, diplomacy, economics, and the military.

Lead scientist Sol Lipsizt provided details of the study at an ISAYSO press conference Wednesday morning. “Our research demonstrates for the first time what numerous thinkers believe to be true, but until now have no empirical confirmation,” he explained. In particular, the ISAYSO study establishes a direct correlation between the alignment a Jew’s political beliefs with yours and that Jew’s legitimacy as a representative of The Jews on a given issue.

“We found no statistically significant deviation between that that alignment and the degree to which the subject Jew qualifies as an authentic representative of his or her people,” Lipsizt noted. “Whereas previous assessments almost all relied on, or gave significant weight to, adherence to some sort of explicit ancient tradition, our model has determined that those factors are a mere distraction.”

The study’s most important implication pertains to progressive politics. “This discovery – that a connection to longtime Jewish tradition pales in authenticity significance next to such concepts as ‘Tikkun Olam’ and ‘universal values’ as understood in the twenty-first century – explains how, for example, the Labour Party can claim to be a welcoming place for Jews: by defining ‘Jews’ as ‘Jews who agree with the Corbyn agenda and methodology,’ they demonstrate our thesis.” The same dynamic, he added, inheres in such phenomena as Code Pink activist Ariel Gold; J Street; and the kaddish-for-terrorists group If Not Now.

Experts not involved in the research hailed its observations. “It used to be you had to rely on Neturei Karta anti-Zionists to lend your movement some semblance of Jewish gravitas,” remarked commentator Begin da Kveschin. “But here we have strong evidence that’s not really necessary. Now that our colleagues have shown Jewish authenticity is a function of agreement with your political principles, even cranks such as Richard Silverstein, Noam Chomsky, and, hell, Leon Trotsky can be trotted out in support. It’s a whole new world.”

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