The decrease allows him to devote attention to other, more Christian-populous areas such as Latin America.
North Pole, December 25 – The personality responsible for distributing Yuletide gifts to children of the faith worldwide on this date confessed today he spies a bright spot in the otherwise grim contraction of that demographic in the region that saw the rise of the faith in the first place, namely that lower population means less effort he must expend including them in his logistics.
Saint Nicholas made the remarks following his annual Christmas journey to deliver presents overnight. His post-delivery analysis bore out continued shrinkage of the Christian population in the Middle East in every country there except Israel, after centuries of relative stability. While overall Kris Kringle found the ongoing trend depressing, he admitted a sense of lightened burden to some degree, in that the decrease allows him to devote attention to other, more Christian-populous areas such as Latin America.
“It’s a shame there are fewer and fewer Christians to receive Christmas gifts everywhere from Turkey and Egypt to Iran and Iraq,” lamented Father Christmas. “Other than Israel, they’ve been persecuted and harassed for a long time. That’s pushed them to flee – or in some cases convert to Islam – and I have fewer and fewer of them on that part of my route every year. The rise of Islamism has had quite the deleterious effect on Mideast Christians. At least the existence of a tolerant Israel has saved us from total embarrassment, but I acknowledge that Palestinian control of Christ’s birthplace Bethlehem hasn’t been kind to us in that department.”
“The thing is,” he continued, looking around and lowering his voice, “I’m OK with having a little less work in that part of the world, you know? Managing this operation demands proper allocation of resources, and frankly it’s easier to handle that allocation with fewer destinations from Morocco to Afghanistan. Back when the Black Death was ravaging Europe in the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries, most of my colleagues in sainthood were wracked with pain and grief. I felt much the same of course, but at the same time I couldn’t totally suppress the relief of not having to do nearly as much courier work as usual.”
Saint Nicholas began his career in what is now Turkey, leaving anonymous gifts for the poor. In the centuries following his death and beatification, Nick’s role has evolved into running a Christmas-centered operation complete with “naughty” and “nice” distinctions between recipients, a fleet of flying reindeer, exemptions from the laws of physics, and an unknown number of elfin slave-laborers.
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