I’m A Little Disappointed You Used ALL The Balloons As Bombs And Didn’t Even Save ONE For My Birthday, Ahmad

by Qusai Qawasmeh, Hamas field operative

A field outside Kahn Younis, Gaza Strip, January 27 – Ahmad, I can’t believe this. You didn’t even leave a single balloon over from making bombs, and you KNEW today’s my birthday?

I’m shocked. And, frankly, offended. That tiny bit of consideration that our friendship implies wasn’t enough to make you stop and think for a moment, “Hey, Qusai would probably appreciate the gesture of my not using all hundred balloons to try to kill Jewish children, and put one aside to mark his twenty-fifth big day?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with the killing children part. I wish it were more effective. Allah knows we could use a success story or two around here. It’s been one letdown after another, what with our rockets hitting nothing, our tunnels neutralized, our infiltrators nabbed within a short distance of the border fence, our border fence riots ineffective, and nothing to show for our efforts – politically, diplomatically, or economically. Our sponsor Iran has the squeeze on it from American sanctions, and only Qatar does any real financial heavy lifting. Even Egypt keeps the crossings closed more than Israel does. But we were given a hundred balloons to fill with helium to attach to devices that we hope will land where Jewish kids in Israel will handle them and die. One balloon wouldn’t have made a difference to our war effort, but it would have made a huge difference to me.

You wouldn’t have had to compromise a single thing for that gesture, either. We were running out of helium – you didn’t even end up inflating the last couple of batches of balloons all the way. I thought you were better than this.

Now that I think about it, maybe you never considered me the friend that I consider you. I invited you to my wedding, but you couldn’t come because you were playing the role of injured protester for foreign cameras at the fence protests. But those weren’t even at the same time of day, now that I recall. You’d have had plenty of time to do both. Has this whole relationship been a lie? Am I just a guy you have to tolerate while we try to kill Jews together, but outside of this job, you want to have nothing to do with me? Be honest with me, Ahmad. I’m tired of the dishonesty.

Next I’m going to discover there are no Israeli dams that they open to cause our flooding every winter.

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