Security Council Demands Israel Stop Being So Goddamn Moral

New York, February 2 – The United Nations Security Council endorsed a statement this morning calling on Israel to stop providing medical treatment to wounded Syrians, saying that the practice conflicts with the negative portrayal of Israel the body wishes to cultivate.

Statement 3223 specifically denounces the treatment in Israeli hospitals of hundreds of Syrian civilians. “It is unconscionable that Israel would leverage its superior medical technology and expertise to treat wounded Syrians, as that flagrantly violates Israel’s established role in this Council’s eyes as perpetrator solely of occupation and oppression.” It called on the Israeli government to desist at once from behavior that “could only be construed as the policies of an enlightened, caring society.”

The statement comes amid renewed scrutiny of Israel’s policies, both across the border with Syria and in the occupied West Bank. International attention has focused in the last two weeks on Israeli companies such as SodaStream, which employ hundreds of Palestinians where gainful employment is otherwise a rarity, and with pay and benefits unavailable anywhere else. The international charity Oxfam parted ways with its “global ambassador” Scarlett Johanssen last week over her work for SodaStream, announcing that it regretted her decision to choose people who deliver actual, tangible benefits to Palestinians, over those who would prefer the Palestinians starve but do so under their own flag.

Others in the international arena echoed the Security Council’s concerns, noting that Israel’s disproportionate share of Nobel Prize winners in the sciences meant that the country was intent on pursuing and cultivating human advancement in practical ways, an attitude that does not sit well with the dominant, left-leaning Western academia, let alone those in the Middle East. Pro-Palestinian activists have attempted for years to get Israel to stop benefiting mankind, even calling for boycotts of Israeli goods and services that the world sorely needs, to get the point across.

“We’re especially troubled by the technological advances that come out of Israel,” said Omar Barghouti, founder of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement. “Israel seems not to understand that contributing to the scientific, economic, and moral advancement of humanity must take a back seat to politics, cheap sloganeering, scapegoating, and counterproductive activism,” he noted, pointing to Israel as the country with the highest technological investment capital per capita.

“Investment in one’s citizens simply will not do,” insisted Barghouti, urging governments and organizations to pressure Israel into pursuits more in keeping with the neighborhood. “If they don’t cut it out, the people in other countries might get the idea that knee-jerk anti-Zionism isn’t the cure for all their ills, and start demanding that they be treated as Israel treats Arabs.”

“I can’t imagine a worse scenario.”