God Snubs Big Fashion Names, Taps Unknown ‘Betzalel’ To Design Priestly Vestments

Their ideas for low-cut, high-hemmed, sex-ambiguous garments for the Israelite priesthood garnered not a single divine glance.

Wilderness of Sinai, March 4 – Uproar hit the world of high fashion today following the announcement that the Almighty has selected an unproven youngster for the task of overseeing production of garments for the men who will perform the divine service in the Tabernacle, industry sources report.

Representatives of such giants in both haute couture and mass-market fashion as Yves Saint-Laurent, Oscar de la Renta, Gianni Versace, Isaac Mizrahi, Estée Lauder, and numerous others expressed their dismay and surprise this morning upon discovering that Betzalel, son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, had landed the prestigious design gig, despite having not a fraction of the reputation, experience, or proven fashion sense of even one such fashion house.

“He’s not even listed among designers in Wikipedia,” grumbled a spokeswoman for Pierre Cardin. “I know that’s kind of a crude measure, but it’s indicative. Has his stuff been displayed at a single fashion show of any note? Where does God get off ignoring the fantastic work of our cohort in favor of some Jew-boy? I’m progressive, so I’m allowed to express bigotry, by the way,” she added.

“It’s like He just wiped away everything we’ve ever accomplished,” whispered an executive at Louis Vuitton. “Like none of our fabulous products, our innovative and provocative ideas, even matter. That’s not an easy thing to see or hear. And I, for one, refuse to accept it. I know many like-minded fine people at other design houses, with whom we sometimes have bitter rivalries, believe the same thing. Our egos are big enough for this industry – is young Betzalel’s?”

“What kind of a name is that, anyway?” challenged Vera Wang. “It’s so stodgy and traditional, and not even East or South Asian. No cachet, no exotic appeal. If you’re going to create a fashion label with a traditional name in it, you simply must combine it with something incongruous or it doesn’t zing, doesn’t sparkle. I’m not intrigued by what’s going on here; I’m just insulted. With a name like that, what’s this fellow going to come up with, a burlap robe? Please.”

Several designers also complained that their ideas for low-cut, high-hemmed, sex-ambiguous garments for the Israelite priesthood garnered not a single divine glance. “I suspect God has no fashion sense,” remarked Guccio Gucci. “It would explain His initial decision to leave humanity entirely unclothed. A self-respecting deity with any aesthetic sensibility whatsoever would have commissioned something bespoke for the occasion.”

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