Iran Promises To Spend Only 100% Of Aid Money, Sanctions Relief On Weapons

“Let our past behavior be your guide to how we will spend these funds.”

Tehran, April 28 – Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s sanctions- and coronavirus-battered regime urged the international community today to break with the United States and reopen commercial ties, on top of a request for monetary help in combating the spread and effects of COVID-19, asserting that they would limit the use of the resulting revenue for the funding of terrorism, nuclear weapons development, ballistic missile technology, and other malign pursuits, to a mere one hundred percent of the funds.

The Islamic Republic of Iran continued Tuesday to demand relief from economic sanctions aimed at curtailing and discouraging the country’s path toward atomic weapons, stating it requires an urgent influx of money to address the burgeoning coronavirus pandemic within its borders, three days after Iran launched a surveillance satellite into space as part of a larger program to manufacture weapons deliverable via that route, a program that has required a massive diversion of funds that could have paid for coronavirus containment efforts several times over. Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif assured potential donors and trade partners that Iran would not divert more than all of the donations and proceeds to its military programs and state-sponsored terrorism.

“The world must defy the evil machinations of the Great Satan,” he declared, resorting to familiar Iranian descriptor of the Unites States. “The Satan’s efforts to deprive the suffering people of Iran even as they face the twenty-first century’s greatest epidemiological scourge must prompt all moral countries to resume normal economic activity with us. Concerns that we will use or divert such income to malign ends are far, far out of proportion to our actual intentions. We commit to using all the monies, one hundred percent, for purposes that are not not support for Hezbollah, the Houthis, Iraqi Shiite militias, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, drug-trafficking, Basher Assad, nuclear weapons development, nuclear weapons delivery mechanisms, or sabotage of foreign nations’ interests all over the world.”

“You have my word, just as you had my word on the JCPOA,” he added, referring to the 2015 international agreement to oversee and restrict Iran’s nuclear program, an agreement to which the regime has never actually adhered but claimed to uphold. “Let our past behavior be your guide to how we will spend these funds, and please provide the funds in amounts that can be laundered and then delivered to our proxies throughout the region and to our nuclear weapons development personnel. Pallets of cash will do nicely.”

“But you knew that,” he added.

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