In Latest Iran Defense Disaster, IRGC Radios Playing Only Accordion Music

“Everything is a goddamn polka.”

Tehran, July 15 – The Islamic Republic’s ongoing security debacles continued Wednesday with reports that the regime’s main military and strategic arm finds itself in the midst of a communications breakdown as a result of all their devices transmitting polka music and other irritating accordion sounds instead of the content the senders intend.

Numerous Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps facilities and personnel attempted to report the phenomenon over the last three days, with only a handful succeeding in conveying a coherent picture of the situation, owing to the disruption the accordion music has wrought. Fragmentary reports indicate that whenever an IRGC radio is activated, it plays a random selection of non-stop accordion music, with the majority of cases involving ugly instrumental renditions of otherwise popular or great compositions.

“Everything is a goddamn polka,” lamented an IRGC major. “I’m supposed to be coordinating shipments of weaponry to Hezbollah in Syria and Lebanon, but everything is an intolerable accordion cover of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine,’ which is horrible to begin with. Or it’s Nickelback. Whoever did this is evil. EVIL. And believe you me, we IRGC folks know evil.” The major shuddered repeatedly as he recalled the details.

Some analysts this latest incident will inflict more lasting damage on the Khamenei regime’s strategic capabilities than any of the other recent disasters: the Natanz centrifuge facility destruction, the chlorine gas leaks, the long-range missile arsenal explosions, and several others. Regime officials have leveled no specific accusations, but numerous experts see the hand of hostile foreign powers such as the US, Saudi Arabia, or Israel, while others also note that a regime subject to crippling sanctions over its nuclear weapons development, its sponsorship of international terrorism, and its hegemonic ambitions in the Middle East cannot properly maintain facilities, rendering catastrophic accidents increasingly likely.

“Unlike the other incidents, this one affected humans more than equipment,” observed commentator Jan Kandi. “Equipment and facilities, while expensive, can be replaced. The facilities affected in the recent incidents might, in fact, never be repaired or replaced, given the extent of the damage they suffered, but you need people to operate that equipment and run those installations, and they can’t do that if every time they try to give an order or ask a question, all that comes out of the speaker is ‘New York, New York’ as a polka. We might even see some suicides out of this, and I don’t mean the ones the regime ‘arranges’ for scapegoats.”

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