Towns Vie For Best Derelict Tribute To Trump

“Suck our exhaust, never-in-the-shade Donald Trump Bus Stop Shelter at Geha Interchange!”

Maaleh Gerah, August 6 – Municipalities around Israel that sought to put themselves on the map by capturing the attention of a narcissistic American president with gestures expressing gratitude for his adoption of policies and positions more in line with Israeli nationalist sensibilities than any previous chief executive, then left those gestures, monuments, and dedications to decay, still argue over which blatant kiss-up attempt represents a worthier achievement.

Residents and officials of this and other one-horse towns around the country, in addition to wannabe cities with little to recommend them, began to engage in good-natured ribbing following the Trump administration’s recognition of the Golan heights as sovereign Israeli territory and the consequent naming of streets, squares, and other locations after the president. The tribute efforts escalated following the move of the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, in line with Israel’s definition of the city as its capital but at odds with many other countries’ attitudes toward the city. At that point every podunk settlement and third-tier city in Israel sought to exploit the moment to get in on the action, naming streets, housing developments, pools, schools, lookout points, crosswalks, park benches, and other facilities after Donald Trump, then went about doing nothing to maintain those facilities. The phenomenon saw a slight uptick last year upon the president acknowledging the legality of Israeli settlements in certain disputed areas, followed by the same neglect. Leaders and citizens of each locale continue to insist their derelict tribute surpasses the others’.

“Our Donald Trump Cafeteria Restroom is the pride of the Jezreel Valley,” boasted Kibbutz Kus Emek administrator Amos Havdatrespi. “Who cares that there’s never any toilet paper in its dispensers? It’s certainly more tasteful than any dog-poop-festooned street bearing the president’s name, even if it’s some hoity-toity municipality such as Petach Tikva. We kibbutzim have even gone bankrupt, just like him. We have so much in common, you wouldn’t believe. Suck our exhaust, never-in-the-shade Donald Trump Geha Interchange Bus Stop Shelter!”

“Please,” retorted a dismissive Bar Idalayev of Givat Inkersdam. “Our Donald Trump Mail Distribution Window, however disused it’s become in the online age, far outstrips anything anywhere else has to offer. If Mr. Trump ever wants to invest in real estate development here, maybe build a casino-hotel, this is the first place to look, because he knows we’ve got his number. To top it all off, we’ve got the largest population density of feral cats outside Jerusalem, so he can grab them anytime he wants.”

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