Coronavirus Threatens Resignation If Litzman Not Reinstated As Minister

“I need someone who can work to help me do my job,” explained the coronavirus.

Credit: Revah Hafakot via Wikipedia

Jerusalem, September 15 – The pathogen behind a global pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands and sickened millions more warned that unless former Minister of Housing Yaakov Litzman reassumes the position he had until he stepped down earlier this week, it will refuse to continue in its critical role in thinning the population and separating the considerate souls from the moronic jerks.

SARS-CoV-2 told reporters it would step down as the chief public health concern facing civilization if Litzman, also a former Minister of Health and Chairman of the Knesset Finance Committee, does not step back into a ministerial position where he can facilitate the virus’s work by stymieing high-level attempts to contain its spread.

“I need someone who can work to help me do my job,” explained the coronavirus. “The Israeli public can only do so much on its own without the public health bureaucracy. If I’m going to have the impact I set out to effect, I’m going to need a go-to guy in the Israeli cabinet to fight against restrictions on synagogue attendance, for example. That’s where the real infection hot spots are. Secular gathering-places such as the beach barely register as at-risk areas, especially if people keep their distance from one another, and folks don’t attend weddings or parties every single day. The demonstrations against Netanyahu are fine with me, as far as that goes, but we’re still talking bupkis compared to the spread that can be achieved through crowded prayer in enclosed spaces.”

Litzman resigned Sunday after the government voted to approve new restrictions in advance of the upcoming Rosh HaShanah holiday, marking the start of the Jewish calendar. Rosh HaShanah features lengthy prayer services with greater attendance than on other days; even those who under normal circumstances do not participate make an effort to hear the shofar. This year the service will include shofar-sounding only on Sunday, the second day of the two-day occasion, since the first day coincides with the Jewish Sabbath, when ancient practice dictates abstaining from shofar use. The coronavirus stressed that the spreading opportunity of that magnitude occurring only on Sunday makes it even more important not to place restrictions on synagogue attendance, and unless Litzman returns to his previous position where he can facilitate that, the virus will take its services elsewhere.

“Israel now boasts one of the highest incidences of COVID,” noted the pathogen. “You can’t just throw that accomplishment away.”

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