Canaanites Deny Being Forebears Of Palestinians

Canaanites lining up to refute Palestinian assertions.

Hatzor, Israel, February 17 – After several prominent Palestinians asserted that they were descended from the ancient Canaanites, leaders of the Canaanite city-states emphatically ruled out the notion that their descendants were modern-day Palestinians.

Amirapu I of Ugarit and Yavin of Hatzor held a joint press conference this afternoon, at which they repeatedly denied any ethnic connection to Palestinians, and called on Palestinian parliament member and peace negotiator Saeb Erekat to cease claiming that his ancestors preceded the arrival of the Hebrews.

“We realize that Mr. Erekat and his ilk do not put much stock in archaeology or history, which, to put it mildly, do not support his contentions,” they wrote in a statement issued to reporters at the conference. “However, it is our hope that as eyewitnesses to that ancient history, we can put an end to his nonsense once and for all.” They noted that in recent days Mr. Erekat contradicted his earlier statements to Westerners in Munich, proudly proclaiming his Jordanian Bedouin ancestry.

“It would behoove Palestinians to stick to facts,” recommended Yavin, who ruled the city-state of Hatzor in the second millennium BCE. “I know what it’s like to have Hebrews take over where you live, and I must say, you modern Palestinians are a bunch of wusses.” He noted that the ancient conquerors had few qualms about wholesale slaughter, whereas Palestinians today whine about restrictions on movement and Israelite appropriation of land. “Deal with it, girls,” he spat.

Amirapu added that he felt personally slighted by the idea that Palestinians might in any way carry his genes. “My mighty kingdom sat astride the crossroads of Assyria and Egypt,” he pronounced. “I resent even the insinuation that these desert people from distant Arabia, whose combined armies could not defeat a ragtag group of Second World War refugees, represent my progeny.”

Erekat was unavailable for comment, said a spokesman, as he was busy writing an article claiming that the Palestinians were already in the Levant when Homo Sapiens moved out of Africa.

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