Every Kitchen Appliance Hiccup Now Making Ayatollah Uneasy

“He’s been acting weird lately,” admitted a staffer. “I mean, weirder than usual.”

Tehran, April 12 – A series of suspected Israeli sabotage activities affecting Iran’s ability to project regional power and develop its nuclear weapons program have also engendered in the the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader the gnawing feeling that the Zionists will eventually get him by the same clandestine means and causing him to have a minor panic attack each time his toaster, coffee maker, electric kettle, or other powered culinary implement makes noise.

Staff at Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s official residence disclosed today that over the last week a tense look has come across his face when any kitchen appliance makes more noise than expected, or a different noise from what he expected. The workers attribute the cleric’s behavior to his developing paranoia in the wake of several Israeli operations against Iranian interests in the region such as a “mother ship” coordinating operations in the Red Sea and a massive electrical failure at the top-secret Natanz nuclear facility, operations that demonstrate the Jewish State’s intelligence apparatus has penetrated far into Iran’s military-industrial systems and can act at will against any Iranian target.

“He’s been acting weird lately,” admitted a senior staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, weirder than usual. You know these ayatollahs; they’re not the most down-to-earth characters, with all the Zionists-did-this and Zionists-caused-that. Not exactly grounded in reality, you know what I’m saying? So yeah, weirder than usual. That says something.”

“First it was a kettle that was bubbling a little more boisterously than before,” recalled another. “It was probably just quieter in the room that morning – the Supreme Leader had gotten up earlier that day so fewer people were up and around at that hour – and it just seemed to be louder. Hi eyes went wide and he started backing out of the room, like he knew it would look crazy to act as if something real was threatening, but at the same time he needed to nope his way out of there.”

“Then I think it was the next day or the day after,” continued the staff member, “one of the guards on break decided to microwave some popcorn, and the ayatollah happened to be passing by when the first group of crackle-pop sounds began. Guy put his hands over his turban and ran all the way to the bob shelter stairwell. it took us like ten minutes to calm him down.”

The senior staffer expressed his concern to mental health professionals, but only in token fashion, because he intends to poison the Ayatollah’s breakfast this Saturday.

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