Agatha Harkness To Deliver Every Gov’t COVID Statement

If successful, Ms. Harkness has agreed to expand her aegis to other government ministries and entities, the credibility and reliability of which she reflects so well.

Jerusalem, August 29 – Israeli public health officials has launched a pilot program under which a character from a television comedy series by Marvel will serve as spokeswoman each time the Ministry of Health issues new guidelines or predictions, to lend such messages the appropriate gravitas and credibility.

Minister of Health Nitzan Horowitz told reporters today (Thursday) that beginning this week, updates on restrictions and the effectiveness of COVID mitigation efforts will come through Agatha (Agnes) Harkness, who established a reputation for delivering information at face value via her appearance in Season 1 Episode 3 of the comedy series Wandavision (see photo).

“We are pleased to announce that we have teamed with the person who, we believe, embodies the proper level of seriousness we strive to convey through the information and recommendations we provide,” Horowitz stated. “This initiative begins next week and will proceed as a trial phase at least through the upcoming holidays in the month of Tishrei, after which we will assess its impact on the public’s adherence to constantly-shifting and scientifically-dubious policies that we always assure them will contain the spread of coronavirus.”

“If it proves successful,” the minister continued, “Ms. Harkness has agreed to expand the aegis of her pronouncements to include other government ministries and entities, the credibility and reliability of which she reflects so well.” Horowitz encouraged those in attendance to visualize the current announcement as coming from Harkness with her characteristic mannerisms, and to observe the immediate effect on the weight the announcement carries as a result.

Analysts remarked that at the very least, the use of Agnes Harkness – played by Kathryn Hahn in the series – will finally bring the way government-provided COVID information is presented into line with the way the public views it. “Sometimes it’s just a question of which personality resonates with the message, and which ones do not,” explained media and politics commentator Adam Gold. “I am given to understand that the Ministry of Health conducted numerous focus groups to test various personalities and how people viewed them as appropriate for the government’s COVID messaging. Apparently Ms. Harkness prevailed over other minor celebrities such as Yuval HaMevulbal, a clown; Mongo from the Mel Brooks film Blazing Saddles; the Minions; and the idea of simply rendering the text of every announcement in alternating capital and lower-case letters, the advantage of which lies in it remaining unnecessary to speak the words aloud to convey the most suitable tone.”

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