Noah’s Warning He Will Turn Ark Around If Shem, Ham Don’t Stop Fighting Ineffective

Witness reports indicate that a stunned silence followed the pronouncement, then laughter and renewed shouting as both boys realized the futility of the threat.

Somewhere near what was probably Damascus, December 8 – A family patriarch stuck in a wooden box with his family, thousands of animals, and the waste matter of both groups, threatened two of his offspring today that their persistence in arguing, hitting, and throwing elephant poop at each other, among other activities, will result in his reversing course and taking the group right back to where they started, an admonition that somehow failed to achieve its intended aim.

Noah, son of Lemekh, admitted reaching his wits’ end Wednesday upon encountering his eldest and youngest offspring at loggerheads again, this time flinging rhinoceros feces at each other as they exchanged insults and accusations. A three-way shouting match ensued, with the six-hundred-year-old father of three issuing an ultimatum that if Shem and Ham did not immediately stop their constant fighting, he would turn the ark around. Witness reports indicate that a stunned silence followed the pronouncement, then laughter and renewed shouting as both boys realized the futility of the threat.

“I’ve just about had it with you two!” the righteous man, perfect in his generations, bellowed. “All you do is bicker and throw gorilla turds at each other all. the. time! Your mother and I have had it up to HERE with the fighting! One more outburst and I’m going to turn this… thing… right around and go back!”

Witness accounts differ on the exact duration of the puzzled silence that followed, and on which of the cantankerous sons fractured that fragile stillness with a chortle. One source insisted Ham began snickering and trying to make surreptitious eye contact with Shem, while others recall that Shem simply burst into laughter a second or two before Ham did. Even Yefet, their middle brother, was seen suppressing chuckles and turning the other way so as to avoid incurring his father’s wrath over a conflict in which he has so far managed to avoid participating.

Observers predict matters will worsen before they improve, given the prevailing assumption that the family’s sojourn in the ark will last months longer, rather than mere days or even weeks. Already, several animals have exhibited agitated behavior in response to elevated stress hormones among the humans on board, including a lion that has snapped at Noah’s hand during the latter’s attempts to feed it. Experts warned that continued failure to resolve the intra-family tensions will only exacerbate matters, and the consequent aggression in the animals will only cause harm.

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