Post-Hanukkah Vow Not To Eat More Donuts Miraculously Lasts Almost 8 Days

“I took that as a heavenly sign endorsing my efforts to date, especially my efforts to find more donuts.”

Jerusalem, December 13 – A resident who resolved to abstain from the deep-fried dough treats associated with the Jewish “Festival of Lights” following more than a week of excess indulgence in said treats reported today that he managed to maintain the necessary discipline for a duration corresponding nearly to the length of the festival itself, a feat he attributes to divine intervention.

Dov Zaitchik, 44, recalled that as Hanukkah drew to a close last Monday, he felt an overwhelming sense of donut-induced self-loathing, the result of unrestricted consumption of the traditional sufganiyot over the course of the holiday in commemoration of a miraculous jug of oil that lasted eight times its apparent potential and thus signaled to a war-torn Judea that their good fortune in throwing off the yoke of Seleucid oppression represented divine intervention. The home and office renovation contractor vowed at the close of Hanukkah not to have any more donuts for the foreseeable future, as his trousers were starting to get tight, and then found himself this Monday evening stopping at a bakery to see if they were still selling the seasonal treat.

Four calorie-filled minutes later, Zaitchik emerged from the establishment, wiping vanilla custard and confectioner’s sugar off of his chin and crediting God with providing him the forbearance to make the vow last as long as it did.

“When I resolved not to eat any more sufganiyot, I made a couple of mistaken assumptions,” explained Zaitchik. “First, I took for granted that the way I felt at the time, having gorged myself for eight days and nights, would still afford me sufficient motivation to maintain the necessary discipline. Second, and perhaps more important, I relied on the precedent of bakeries stopping their sufganiya production within a day or two of the end of Hanukkah, rendering moot any potential temptation, or so I thought. It turns out God wanted me to make sure, so I went into this English Cake branch and, lo and behold, they were not only still offering donuts, they had an entire shelf of my favorite kind. I took that as a heavenly sign endorsing my efforts to date, especially my efforts to find more donuts.”

Zaitchik has found similar divine guidance in his life before; each year following Shavu’ot, the late springtime Feast of Weeks that features a culinary tradition of cheesecake, he seeks out establishments that still sell its creamy goodness, taking the product’s continued availability as a Godly sign inviting further indulgence.

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