Rabbis Who Covered For Abusers Invited To Join Catholic Church

Those Rabbis qualify for at least bishop-level proficiency.

Rome, January 17 – Vatican officials announced today that recent developments in the Haredi Jewish community indicating that refusal to take sex-abuse and rape allegations seriously go back decades means that those religious leaders have already mastered the main requirement for positions within the venerable Christian organization, and extended an invitation to those leaders to apply.

Cardinal Giuseppe Svengali convened a press conference today to declare the Roman Catholic Church in favor of welcoming to the ranks of its clergy a roster of Rabbis and certain other influential Jews who gained prominence beyond their communities for downplaying, stonewalling, denying, or compounding complaints that members of those communities had perpetrated rape, sexual assault, and related violations, hoping instead to prevent word of the offenses from spreading. Cardinal Svengali declared the Church impressed with the consistency those figures brought to the suppression and delay effort, and that the values they defended in the process dovetail with those of the Church to such a degree that those Rabbis qualify for at least bishop-level proficiency.

“The Chaim Walder case brought this welcome development to our attention,” acknowledged the Cardinal, referring to a prominent children’s author and therapist who exploited his materials and position to groom victims; Walder killed himself two weeks ago, before formal charges could be filed in multiple cases. “Numerous other cases of abuse-coverup and dismissal of victims’ suffering or fears have existed at the fringes of our institutional awareness for some time, but it took the most recent brouhaha in mainstream media to make us realize just how congruent our and those leaders’ decisions and sensibilities have become. Initiation into administrative positions in the Church would be little more than a formality for them – they’re basically there in every way that counts.”

Ecclesiastical historians observed that the Church has long placed value on converting influential Jews, seeking “endorsement” through such converts of their contention that Christianity superseded Judaism. Inducements to convert varied through the centuries, ranging from threats and intimidation to bribes and privilege, with limited success. More recent centuries saw a softer, conciliatory attitude in which proselytizing took a back seat to collaboration on issues of mutual concern, such as opposing abortion, promoting charity, caring for the indigent, counseling the troubled, marching for civil or human rights, preserving the sanctity of marriage, or, in this case, shielding well-connected colleagues or congregants from proper repercussions from, or often proper investigation of, alleged abuses they committed.

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