In Gaffe, God Forgets To Refer To Land Promised To Israelites As ‘West Bank’

“We wish to clarify that the eternal truth of the land’s rightful possessors remains Islamic-Palestinian, regardless of every other piece of the mountainous evidence demonstrating to any honest observer that He made it the eternal Jewish homeland.”

Land of the Negev, April 26 – The Supreme Being and Creator of all reality acknowledged a rhetorical slip today when he told his devoted representative on Earth that that latter’s descendants will possess and belong to the land where the man now resides, during an exchange that saw the Almighty call that territory by a term other than the one everyone knows is the historically, morally, and politically correct appellation.

The LORD YHWH, who spoke existence itself into being and exercises infinite dominion and wisdom covering every aspect of that phenomenon, told reporters Thursday that indeed, He should have promised “the West Bank” to Abraham instead of “the Land of Canaan” and a description of the guarantee’s borders. YHWH acknowledged the mistake in a subsequent press conference, and committed to correcting the mistake – a measure that He cautioned will take some time, given the ponderous nature of Biblical bureaucracy.

“I realized almost immediately that I had perpetrated a gaffe,” the Almighty admitted. “Later generations will of course refer to the place as Palestine, or some other true name, rather than anything that implies an Israelite or Jewish connection. Imagine the distortion of reality that a people named ‘Israel’ in a land called ‘Israel’ would mean for the geopolitical future! I can of course see what might happen if people end up associating the robust archaeological, scriptural, and documentary evidence of Jewish indigeneity with actual Jewish indigeneity. My bad, I fully accept that.” Given the temporal and physical constraints with which the corporeal universe operates, future prophets such as Ezekiel will still use monikers such as “the Land of Israel” more than a thousand years after the gaffe.

Supernal officials rushed to walk back the divine misstatement. “The phraseology does not reflect that official position of the Heavenly Court,” declared Archangel Gabriel in a press release. “The Holy One’s stance, that the Holy Land bears the name ‘Palestine’ or ‘West Bank’ – anything, really, as long as it doesn’t imply a Jewish connection – has not shifted. We wish to clarify that the eternal truth of the land’s rightful possessors remains Islamic-Palestinian, regardless of every other piece of the mountainous evidence demonstrating to any honest observer that He made it the eternal Jewish homeland.”

Other officials continue to scramble to get back on-message as further research indicated the very origin of the term “Palestine” may well stem not from a Greek transliteration of “Philistine,” a non-Israelite, non-Semitic-speaking, group of sea raiders, but a Greek translation of “Israel,” rendering “wrestles with God” as “wrestlers,” in keeping with the Greek practice of translating, rather than transliterating, the names of the peoples they encountered.

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