Alien Archaeologists Posit Ritual Significance To Badly-Proportioned Figurines With Tiny Waists, Long Hair, Large Breasts

The layers of colorful fabric in which the figures are often adorned demonstrates they were objects of devotion.

Northeast coast of Land Mass B, July 26 – Explorers unearthed another sample of a distorted humanoid replica last month, identical to previous known samples of the phenomenon, solidifying scholarly opinion on the function and purpose of the item in that now-extinct species that the exaggerated feminine features of the object represent spiritual forces that humans sought to invoke in fertility rites, and that the ubiquity of the such objects, made of petroleum-derivative plastic, attests to deep religious feeling in the vast majority of human communities.

Archaeologists studying the ruins of human habitation found yet another sample of the “Babi” figurine with accoutrements nearby that that they believe related to the figure itself. The find represents the sixtieth confirmed case of the object on the planet, and has now been identified on three of the four major land masses where evidence of other human habitation has also emerged. Skeletal samples and depictions from other sources demonstrate that actual humans differed considerably from the shape and appearance of the Babi idol, prompting scientists to suggest that the figure represents a more abstracted, metaphorical goddess of femininity, fertility, or motherhood, to whom humans would pray or sacrifice.

“When the first such find emerged, we cautiously floated the idea that these figures were household gods of some sort, as was common in human culture,” explained Kenr, who heads the team at the Northeast Coast site, a particularly rich source of artifacts. “The spread of the object, more or less identical in every respect, around the globe, however, suggested a more utilitarian function, given that religious beliefs and practices could not have been uniform all over such a vast tapestry of distant cultures. It clearly shows dynamic trade among the various major civilizations. Initially we hesitated to assert with confidence that the ‘Babi,’ as it came to be called, had more than an ornamental function. What physical purpose can something that unwieldy serve?”

“What swayed us to the religious aspect was the variations in outer layers of fabric in which the figures are decorated,” Kenr continued. “Anything that elaborate has to be an object of devotion.”

Humans are known to have developed numerous writing systems, though none have been deciphered yet. Researchers hope that understanding human written or etched communication will shed light on the function of the Babi and on other still-mysterious aspects of human culture, and yield clues to the poorly-understood disappearance of humans from the third planet around Sol.

Please support our work through Patreon.