Tourism Now Also Ruining Hell Itself

Some arrivals believe they have come as visitors but end up detained.

Hades, October 26 – Denizens of the Underworld where the wicked suffer eternal torment and others achieve cleansing of their iniquities have voiced with increasing recent frequency the complaint that photography-happy visitors have spoiled the experience for the condemned and the staff alike, infernal sources report.

Demons and tortured souls told reporters that the near-constant stream of curious outsiders who wish to observe, record, or “experience authentic local culture” has risen from the tolerable trickle that once characterized the phenomenon, to the point that the tourists routinely disrupt punishment sessions and other critical activities in Hell, with their intrusive, ignorant questions, their constant attempts to take “the perfect selfie,” and their loud commentary on everything in sight.

“If I hear one more insipid, unfavorable comparison to Tokyo, I’m going to explode,” remarked Beelzebub. “What do these idiots think the point of this place is? Of course you can’t find decent sushi here!”

“These imbeciles will probably end up here later, but won’t understand,” he added, with a mournful shake of the head.

“I was getting stuck under the fingernails with flaming rods of acid-coated viper fangs,” recalled the Marquis de Sade, now a longtime resident. “It was horrible, as it should be, but then some obese Americans in garish clothes waddled up and started pestering the demons and me with stupidity. It ruined the whole thing. It’s only gotten worse of late, too; I’d say seven or eight years, but it could be longer. Time does seem to drag here. If it applies at all.”

Disruptive tourists have spoiled Hell’s routine before: Stygian sources spoke of a man with a camcorder who kept getting between the 9/11 hijackers and the razor-spiked anal-rape machine assigned to them. The Devil ordered a fence constructed to isolate that facility from tourist access. Numbers have increased since then, however, and threaten the smooth functioning of other areas in the Eternal Abyss.

Official tourist numbers remain unclear. Some arrivals believe they have come as visitors but end up detained. Others arrive only briefly for purging of minor evil stains on their souls, whereupon they get transferred to Heaven. A separate group has found refuge in Hell from locales with worse conditions such as Venezuela or Martha’s Vineyard, with some of those undocumented arrivals finding “unofficial” housing and employment.

Denizens and staff voiced further concerns that the uptick in tourism presages the even-more-horrific-but-somehow-inevitable phenomenon of gentrification.

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