“…even if some children are already over the age of eighteen. In our rhetoric we will still call such adult children ‘children’ if they are martyred.”
Ramallah, January 16 – The cash-strapped Palestinian Authority, reeling from a sharp drop in international donations and from its commitment to paying the families of terrorists a generous lifetime pension, has embarked on an effort to combat the scarcity of resources from within its borders, by mandating that one fifth of each household’s minor residents be drafted into service confronting IDF soldiers or attacking Israelis, so as to invite a lethal response or preventive action and maintain international focus on Israeli brutality to help ensure that at least some international aid money still flows to the Swiss accounts of Palestinian officials.
President Mahmoud Abbas, now in the eighteenth year of his four-year first term, issued the decision yesterday following consultation with Treasury officials and Fatah faction loyalists, the former of which are a subset of the latter. A notice announcing and explaining the new policy appeared in Arabic on the Fatah website, on posters throughout self-rule areas, and various social media accounts associated with Abbas.
“Zionist machinations and economic doldrums stemming from the COVID-19 epidemic have restricted the amount of money that supporters of the Palestinian cause can or will continue to provide,” the statement read. “Therefore, His Excellency has been forced to rely more directly on the Palestinian people themselves, who have never wavered in the intensity of their devotion to freeing their people and land from the usurping occupier. Beginning March 2023, households with three or more residents under the age of eighteen will be required to supply the Resistance with at least one minor as a violent demonstrator, a fighter, or a human shield.”
“Families with only two children are exempt at this stage, but we welcome voluntary contributions,” the announcement continued. “Families of three, four, or five children must now supply one child for the aforementioned noble purposes. Families with six or seven children must contribute two, while families with eight or more must contribute three – even if some children are already over the age of eighteen. In our rhetoric we will still call such adult children ‘children’ if they are martyred, and the compliant international media and NGO networks will cooperate as usual to accomplish our public relations and diplomacy goals against the cursed Jew.”
Not to be outdone, the rival Islamist Hamas movement that rules the Gaza Strip boasted that it does not need to couch its drafting of children into the war effort in governmental or fiscal terms. “Our underage volunteers for forced labor to dig hazardous tunnels do not need tax-related coercion,” they insisted.
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