IDF To Lower Security Barrier Amid Palestinian Reliance On Child Soldiers

“We must adapt to the changing face of the threat.”

Tel Aviv, March 16 – Israeli security officials disclosed today that they are considering modifications to the robust defense mechanisms against terrorism to account for the increased use of minors by terrorist groups, including measures such as a shorter Separation Wall, earlier bedtimes for juvenile Palestinian detainees, and changing the WiFi password.

A Ministry of Defense spokesman told journalists today that the growing exploitation of children by Palestinian terrorist organizations to attack Israeli soldiers and citizens – both to indoctrinate the next generation in to violence resistance and to benefit either from IDF hesitation to shoot minors or from the international opprobrium Israel faces if it neutralizes those minors – has prompted the ministry and military officers to mull adjustments to their deterrence systems. The spokesman gave several examples, chief among them a Separation Barrier that needs not reach as high as the current one, given the shorter stature of those attackers than the average Palestinian terrorist.

“We’re weighing a number of possibilities,” stated Deputy Undersecretary for Planning Khakhmei Khelm. “Some of them require significant expense, such as smaller bullets, or extensive modifications to existing systems, such as Nerf mines. But we must adapt to the changing face of the threat.”

A document circulated among journalists in attendance – but which, under ministry rules, may not be copied – discussed dozens of measures that ministry strategists have suggested, but gave no indication of which among them, if any, the ministry and military will adopt. The discussion mentioned changing the WiFi password in Palestinian areas to frustrate the Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat behaviors of the child terrorists; setting lights-out in the youth section at the Mahane Ofer military prison at 7:30pm instead of the current 8:30; and the deployment of a still-experimental wedgie-administering machine.

The paper also noted the rejection of several proposed ideas. These included the threat to tell the mommies of the terrorists what they have been doing; the proposal failed amid the realization that the mothers in question generally encourage their children to engage in violence against Jews, thus eliminating the measure as a potential deterrent.

Another rejected idea involved grabbing the arms of gun-toting child terrorists and forcing them to shoot themselves or comrades, while teasing, “Why are you shooting yourself? Why are you shooting yourself?” That proposal fell because of feasibility challenges and the fact that Palestinians seldom have a problem sacrificing children, negating the deterrent value of the measure.

Also floated was a reframing of the annual flooding of the Gaza Strip – accomplished by opening nonexistent dams in the area – as a massive collective Swirlie.

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