Why Won’t The Jews Buy All This Blood I’ve Collected?

By Count Dracula

Transylvania, March 20 – Passover it just over two weeks away. Those who observe it should be busy preparing their unleavened flatbread. But not a single one has responded to my ad announcing the availability of copious human blood that everyone knows they need in order to make that bread. What gives?

I know my offer has reached the right people. My connections in the area have assured me that everyone with a hand in the preparation of matza for the Jewish community has received the proposal, which sets what I believe to be a reasonable price for the quantity in my possession. I even sequestered the blood from Christian children, which I know has a special role in matza, but, being harder to obtain, does not always get used. But bupkis.

I did my research; I know that matza production generally kicks into gear toward the beginning of winter, because it takes time to make the quantity that everyone needs. So I made my offer back in late October, when there was plenty of time for the people involved to account for my contribution and not end up wasting their money on a more expensive, less convenient solution – I know wasting money is a cardinal sin for Jews.

It is possible that the blood-matza is only required at the Seder night, the first evening of the festival, and not for the entire week-long observance; that night, after all, is when the ancients ate their blood-sacrifice, with the rest of the festival featuring mere refraining from leavened grain products, so matza is the default substance. But still, in that case I would expect at lest some interest in the blood for that first night. Nada.

In an attempt to understand this, I even imprisoned a local rabbi and forced him to go through their texts on the subject with me, word by word, to find out just how much blood they would need, and maybe I could force them to buy from me – I am the local count, after all. Again, nothing. I even tortured the man to reveal where the blood comes in, and what hidden sources govern its use. Despite hours of inhuman torment, he kept insisting there was no such practice. Such lies! Also such dedication to concealing them. I do admire that.

It still leaves me with no one to whom to sell all this blood. I might have to find some opportunistic thugs who will break into a synagogue and hide the blood with the Torah scrolls to frame those Jews for what everyone knows they do.

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