Survey: Only 8 People Unaware You Avoid Gluten Even Not During Passover

The effort made to inform every single relevant person, plus several hundred thousand irrelevant persons, is ongoing.

Jerusalem, April 9 – A poll of Israelis conducted over the last several days has determined that fewer than ten of the country’s Jewish population of approximately seven million still do not know that the leavened-grain-free diet mandated by the current festival poses no challenge for you because you, unlike the unfortunate masses, abstain from such products all year round, given your avoidance of one of the important proteins in cereal grains.

Researchers surveyed the entire demographic in Israel expected to associate in any way with the observance of Passover, even in the breach, and discovered that you had informed all but eight of them that you never eat gluten, rendering Passover observance barely a blip on your gustatory radar, a tidbit in which listeners discerned a level of smugness far in excess of what they considered warranted by the circumstances.

The researchers expect the number to change. “For one thing, the effort made to inform every single relevant person, plus several hundred thousand irrelevant persons, is ongoing,” noted lead researcher Misha Alotkha. “For another, the number of people in existence is in flux. Several hundred babies were born since Operation: Inform Everyone I Don’t Eat Gluten All Year Long (Worship Me) began just before the holiday last week, in many places throughout the country, bringing down the numbers somewhat, but that has had marginal impact. Certainly by the time Passover is over later this week, everyone who was alive at the beginning of the festival will hear of this momentous dietary tiding.”

The survey notes that the spread of awareness of your gluten-freedom has proceeded unevenly. “The initial burst of ‘You know, I don’t eat gluten any way, so Passover doesn’t really change much for me’ made inroads quickly, but stalled around last Thursday,” explained Alotkha. “Almost half the country knew by then, but the pace was slowing. That’s when we saw a shift to ‘You should try gluten-free in general – it does great things for me,’ a gambit that covered most of the rest of Israel by Saturday morning. But by the evening, a new push of ‘I barely notice the change because I don’t eat gluten’ had swept through the country and filled in previous gaps.”

Analysts also noted an incongruence between the moral, metaphorical dimension of leaven-abstinence as an exercise in removing ego-driven considerations of outside perception of oneself, and the ego-stroking effect that your constant invocation of not eating grain products aims to achieve.

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