“The defensiveness born of the whole world knowing you have a small penis.”
Tehran, April 19 – Leaders of a group of civilizations once united under the banner of swift Islamic conquest of territories from Spain to Indonesia continued today to devote inordinate time, energy, resources, and emotional investment in the fact that a New-Jersey-sized slice of territory along the Mediterranean Sea has thrown off the yoke of those conquerors and their successors, observers report.
Islamic armies under multiple caliphates and empires swept east and west from Arabia in the seventh through ninth centuries CE. Dar-al-Islam fragmented early on, but as a rule, the successor potentates still claimed Islam as their faith. Subsequent centuries saw contraction of that domain out of sizable portions of the full conquest, notably the Iberian Peninsula of Western Europe, and later, the Indian subcontinent. Nevertheless, eyewitnesses noted, the territorial loss that appears to exercise adherents the most involves a mostly-desert piece of land the size of Estonia.
“It’s weird,” remarked one observer who spoke under condition of anonymity, citing concerns for his family’s safety. “We’re talking about a hundred years of violent obsession with restored Jewish sovereignty in a tiny, almost unnoticeable backwater of every empire that has ever controlled the Middle East. It’s half the size of the Netherlands. It would be a stretch to call it twice the size of Jamaica. The Caribbean country, not the neighborhood of Queens. That’s a lot of butthurt over something so small.”
“You don’t hear nearly as much talk about reconquering Spain and Portugal, or even India,” concurred another. “Not that such rhetoric isn’t there; it’s just not the burning issue that tiny Israel is, for some reason.”
“Maybe ‘tiny’ is the issue,” suggested another. “There’s far less shame in losing parts of an aging empire to far-superior enemies such as non-Islamic Europe. Even large swaths of territory. But when a bunch of ragtag genocide survivors who your ethos demands remain subject, an underclass, under the boot of even the most downtrodden Muslim, manage to hold off the combined, vastly superior Arab forces trying to drive them into the sea, that can only spark the defensiveness born of the whole world knowing you have a small penis.”
“The whole history of this conflict amounts to trying to prevent, then expiate, that shame, which only results in further loss and shame,” he added. “In a nutshell, the phenomenon that makes Muslims feel inadequate and insecure about the size of their manhood is Israel-Palestine.”
“Phallustine,” agreed the first. Much high-fiving ensued.
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