Gozer Begs Enlil Not To Be Sent As Marshmallow Man To Israel On Lag BaOmer

Every open space in Israel is expected to feature bonfires large enough to reduce the god to gooey, caramelized deliciousness.

Nippur, Sumeria, April 20 – A Mesopotamian deity known as “The Destructor” beseeched his superior in the pantheon to remain away from the Jewish State despite a mission tasking him with a visit there this coming May 8-9, having discovered what happens across the country to the constituent material of the god’s “Traveler” form on the corresponding Hebrew date every year.

Supernal witnesses described a fearful, contrite, yet determined Gozer the Gozerian pleading his case again today before Enlil, who sits atop the Sumerian divine assemblage. Gozer assumed his Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man form for the encounter, to drive home the danger to him at time when every open space in Israel is expected to feature multiple bonfires, some large enough to reduce the god’s entire physical essence to gooey, caramelized deliciousness.

“My Lord,” implored Gozer, “I must importune His Divine Supremacy to reschedule the visit to the of the land of Canaan. His Excellency no doubt can see that the inhabitants of that barbaric locale have a festival during which it has become customary to build enormous fires and roast marshmallows. Venturing into such an environment on that day will pose a serious hazard to the success of my mission, and I humbly request to postpone or suspend it until the flames subside.”

Gozer referred to the festival of Lag BaOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer period from Passover to Shavuot. Scattered ancient and medieval Jewish sources discuss the significance of the day; over the centuries it has evolved into a celebration, using fire as a sign of spiritual and intellectual illumination, of the reestablishment of Torah education following the devastation of losing an entire generation of scholars during the second century CE.

Without the religious overtones, secular Israelis have embraced Lag BaOmer as a cultural phenomenon and an expression of pride at the final show of robust Jewish military prowess and resistance – the Bar Kokhba Revolt – before the reassertion of Jewish sovereignty in the land in the twentieth century, and therefore more in line with Zionist sensibilities regarding independence, assertive national pride, and self-defense that they contrasted with the “typical” Diaspora submissiveness of Jews in the intervening millennia.

Enlil appeared unmoved by Gozer’s petition. “You show unbecoming weakness,” the elder god declared. “If you cannot complete this mission, I will assign it to someone more worthy. Summon ‘Uggatg’bhina, the god of cheesecake, and tell him I expect him to visit Canaan on the twenty-sixth of May!”

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