Gyms Attendance Uptick During Knesset Recess As MKs Prepare For Next Session’s Brawls

“This is the Middle East. Weakness means defeat.”

Tel Aviv, August 30 – Israel’s legislature will resume its functioning after the Jewish holiday season ends in October, reconvening for the first time since July. During the year’s longest break, lawmakers have flocked to fitness centers to maintain or improve their stamina, skills, and strength, ahead of the fighting that will take place when parliamentary activity starts up again.

The Knesset, known internationally for the unique decorum in its plenum, recessed for the summer and will not meet again for more than a month hence unless an unlikely emergency session is summoned. Members of Knesset who wish to stay at peak readiness for the characteristic way in which ideas are exchanged and debated in the Knesset have engaged the services of personal trainers, boxing coaches, martial arts instructors, and other professionals, to stay on top of their brawling games. Others already have home gyms and professionals on contract, with a select few keeping to a brawl-training regiment throughout the year.

“You can’t let yourself slide in the off-season, as tempting as that might be,” asserted Likud MK David Amsalem. “We saw what happened to (former Likud MK) Oren Hazan. He lasted exactly one election cycle. One and done. He couldn’t hack it. The rest of us, regardless of party affiliation, understand the importance of peak performance and not resting on one’s laurels.”

Veteran Balad Party MK Ahmad Tibi seconded Amsalem’s statement. “We all want different things out of the legislation,” he explained, “but we all also agree that you have to fight, often literally, for what goes into a bill and how it’s phrased, long before deciding whether to vote for or against it.”

Observers noted that the brawling dovetails with voter expectations and demands. “If a guy ran on the premise that he’s a ‘fighter’ for the little guy, or for the farmers, or for whomever, he’d better fight,” stated Labor Party Chairwoman Merav Michaeli. “This is the Middle East. Weakness means defeat. If you show weakness, your bill is going down AND you might lose a few teeth, not necessarily in that order.”

Fisticuffs became more standard eight years ago when new rules went into effect that barred weapons, chemicals, or even furniture from physical contests within the plenum. Outside the 120-seat chamber, however, the old rules still apply – and many MKs still incorporate that consideration into their training, even though fights in the hallways, conference rooms, and offices of the complex have always been rare.

“You just never know,” muttered Yisrael Beiteinu chief Avigdor Liberman, fingering his brass knuckles.

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