“I am IN LITERAL HEAVEN.“
Janna, October 31 – A Hamas fighter who met his earthy end at the hand of an Israeli sniper discovered to his everlasting joy today that the six dozen unsullied companions that the Scripture promises him for his righteous sacrifice are not, in fact, girls, or even boys, but his true desire, goats, supernal sources reported Tuesday.
Allaeayn Almaeiz, 27, ascended to Heaven on October 7 as he wandered through the southern Israeli community of Nirim, looking for women to rape, helpless Israelis to torture and kill, and things to steal. His last moments were immortalized through the GoPro he wore at the time: walking behind a Hamas comrade near some homes, the sound of gunfire, and Allaeayn collapsing amid his own whimpering; the footage has made extensive rounds on social media. In his first postmortem moments, the former Khan Yunis resident worried that the seventy-two virgins that the Prophet guaranteed those who fall while fighting for Islam might turn out to be ugly, male, or otherwise undesirable – worst of all, they might not be “virgins” at all, since the original Arabic term could refer to the white grape, a delicacy in early medieval Arabia. Fortunately for Allaeayn, his virgins are goats – exactly what he wanted.
“Would you look at these beauties?” he gushed, caressing the ears and neck of a specimen he has named Aisha. “I am IN LITERAL HEAVEN.”
“I haven’t even met them all yet,” he continued, “but so far every single one is just precious. So pretty. And I get to be the one to deflower them over and over again, for all eternity. This is going to be so amazing. Allah is indeed the greatest!”
Allaeayn arrived just before several of his comrades; he fell to a sniper, whereas they were immolated when an Apache helicopter exploded their vehicle with a rocket. The others appeared not to share his enthusiasm for their everlasting reward.
They stared, and shifted in obvious discomfort. “Is there, like, a manager we can speak to?” asked Ahmad Shaati, the group’s commander.
“About what?” answered an astounded Almaeiz. “What could you be confused or upset about? Isn’t this incredible?”
“Um…” responded Shaati, looking at the rest of the group. They gaped back at him in befuddlement and concern.
“Come on, guys, you have to meet the one I’ve named Felesteen!” urged Almaeiz. “She’s gorgeous! OMG I’m so aroused right now. This is going to be EPIC.”
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