Citing Load Strain On Ballot Boxes, Election Commission Disqualifies Your Mom

Your mom has faced barriers before, but in most cases not noticed them before her gargantuan bulk rendered the barriers a mere detail in the craters she creates.

Jerusalem, January 11 – Officials laying the logistical and technical groundwork for the next as-yet-unscheduled national parliamentary contest in Israel have barred from eligibility as a candidate the woman who birthed and raised you, because she is so fat, they explained today, that the mere presence of her name on ballots would compromise the structural integrity of the containers that hold the ballots.

The Electoral Commission issued a disqualification for your mom on Thursday from the next and any future elections. The Commission’s announcement represents an unprecedented application of its authority under the law, given that every previous disqualification rested on legal or ideological grounds, rather than on the raw practical consideration of your mom being so fat, mere mention of her can collapse furniture.

“The risk to the integrity of the democratic process is too great,” explained Commission spokesman Schumann Ravui. “Whereas all of our previous removals of candidates or parties stemmed from their unacceptable electoral platforms or the danger that they would incite violence, this one occurred simply because our tables, ballot trays, ballot boxes, and staff cannot support the anticipated weight. That means the security of the boxes will be compromised, and the last thing this country needs right now is anything that would further erode confidence in its democratic processes.”

The Commission’s disqualifications frequently fail to hold up in court; historically, only one party’s participation has remained in force once the Commission barred it – the extremist Rabbi Meir Kahane’s “Kach” Party in the 1980’s. The Supreme Court has reversed the Commission’s bans on multiple other occasions, primarily to reinstate the eligibility of parties with substantial Arab support that the Commission had removed from contention for aiming to undermine the legally-mandated Jewish character of the state.

Your mom has faced barriers before, but in most cases not noticed them before her gargantuan bulk rendered the barriers a mere detail in the craters she creates. During the early months of the current conflict with Hamas in Gaza, defense officials pushed Rafael Defense Systems to finish testing and integrating the Iron Beam air defense system into the country’s antimissile array, but the IDF and Rafael faced problems when your mom’s gravitational force disrupted the proper functioning of the system and necessitating a ban on her coming within one hundred kilometers of the air defense sites. The same issue, on a larger scale, plagued pilots and controllers at Ben-Gurion International Airport until flight departures and arrivals could be predictably scheduled around her movements.

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