ICC To Probe Whether Israel Behind Stampede That Killed Mufasa

Analysts take it as a foregone conclusion that the ICC will move to initiate a full criminal case against Israel.

The Hague, January 15 – The International Criminal Court announced today that it has opened an investigation into a deadly wildebeest incident that killed the king of the lions at Pride Rock and allowed a usurper to seize control of the territory, following evidence that agents acting on behalf of the Jewish State were responsible for the tragedy.

Chief Prosecutor Karim A. A. Khan convened a press conference at the ICC this morning to share details of the impending investigation into the stampede death of Mufasa, which he said now looks more and more like a Mossad operation.

Initial reports of the stampede focused on the possible involvement, possibly unintentional, of the crown prince Simba, last seen in the gorge where the herd of gnus trampled Mufasa to death as the latter attempted to rescue his son from the oncoming horde. Simba fled, leaving Mufasa’s brother Scar to take over the pride and ushering in a period of drought and oppression that featured a shaky alliance with the hyenas and widespread discontent among the lions and the larger fauna community in the vicinity. Acting on tips from human rights groups, however, the ICC will probe what Khan called “disturbing indications” that in fact Simba had no culpability in his father’s death, and that even Scar, whose resentments gave him motive to bump off his brother, may not be the one behind Mufasa’s grisly death, but Israel.

“Given the default status of Israel as responsible for all the ills in the world, this investigation is both proper and necessary,” stated Khan. “Our inquiry will examine whether the events surrounding Mufasa’s death are consistent with Israeli brutality and criminality, and if so, we will open proceedings to prosecute the decision-makers in Israel’s government.”

Khan declined to elaborate on the evidentiary requirements that will determine the inquiry’s conclusions. Analysts, however, take it as a foregone conclusion that the ICC will move to initiate a full criminal case against Israel – a development that experts say would be fraught with technical and legal complications.

“Israel isn’t a signatory to the agreements that give the court its jurisdiction,” explained International Law scholar Ken Garucourt. “That has stymied other efforts to seek justice for crimes against Palestinians – I mean ‘alleged’ crimes,” he added, using air quotes and rolling his eyes.

“I’m sure we’ll eventually find a way around that,” he continued. “The Circle of Life cannot continue if Israel keeps killing everything. And all the animals in the area of Pride Rock are indigenous Palestinians under assault by colonialist, Zionist usurper imperialists. Sure, Scar is an unsavory character, but everyone knows that’s of marginal importance for the sake of an alliance against Israel.”

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