Neighbor Who Only Consumes Football News Thinks Self Authority On Politics

Several neighbors hypothesized he thinks Netanyahu is still in office since his first election victory in 1996.

Jerusalem, February 1 – A resident of this city’s central Naḥlaot neighborhood fancies himself an expert on the various political implications of numerous developments, even though his sole source of goings-on in the world appears to be televised soccer matches and related commentary, eyewitnesses report.

Itzik, as denizens of Alma Street know him, inhabits a rent-controlled studio apartment occupying one half of the ground floor of a two-story house on the cobbled alley in the Sha’arei Raḥamim section of the eclectic area. Observers noted today his continued exchanges with the other occupant of the ground floor, which always involve how Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will, or ought to, respond to various events, and whether Bibi, as Itzik always calls him, will weather the crisis of the day. The observers further note that every one of Itzik’s waking hours, his television displays live or recorded soccer matches with the volume turned up loud enough for all the adjacent property inhabitants to hear, raising the question of how Itzik gains awareness, let alone knowledge, to speak on politics with such authority.

“We can see into his place from the next street over,” remarked a neighbor. “If he’s awake, he’s lounging in his bed with the large-screen TV showing some game, or he’s sitting out the patio he shares with the other guy, and all they talk about is Bibi this and Bibi that. And the game’s still on inside. It mystifies me how he keeps up on anything but football. There’s never even a newspaper lying around, not even the free Yisrael HaYom that gets distributed in every pedestrian-intensive area of town.”

Neighbors acknowledged they remain unsure whether the rotund, wife-beater-wearing Itzik ever knew Netanyahu was out of power between June 2021 and November 2022. “He certainly didn’t stop pontificating on Bibi during that time, but Netanyahu was still relevant then as Opposition leader, so we can’t be sure,” remarked another Alma St. resident.

Analysts allowed that perhaps Itzik encounters non-football-related information during his trips to acquire food and other necessities. Witnesses to several such excursions, however, confirmed that he continues to consume the sports content on his mobile device even when engaged in shopping or other errands. He will nevertheless hold forth on what Netanyahu should do under the circumstances, if prompted to discuss the matter.

Several neighbors even hypothesized that Itzik might think Netanyahu is still in office since his first election victory in 1996, to a term that lasted barely two years, and did not reenter the premiership until 2009.

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