UNIFIL To Recruit Pro Wrestling Referees

Geneva, April 14 – The United Nations International Force In Lebanon, whose mandate calls for monitoring the Israel-Lebanon border, has announced that it will begin to target specific populations to recruit, groups that have demonstrated the same level of impartial incompetence that UNIFIL has made famous. The first group, according to the announcement, will be those with experience serving as referee during professional wrestling matches.

Both UNIFIL and the referees go about fulfilling their duties with a distorted picture of their effectiveness, the announcement said, falsely believing that both opponents have any respect for their decisions or judgment. Moreover, it added, both the referees and UNIFIL lack the teeth to impose the shaky peace they are charged with maintaining.

“It’s a natural fit,” said Jim Edmonds, who heads up the Emeritus Referee Representative ORganization (ERROR). “The challenges of balancing one’s own impotence with the need to appear free of favoritism closely mirror the challenges of international peacekeeping.” He added that the referees would probably be at an advantage over other potential recruits, in that the audience for professional wrestling is more discerning than the international community when it comes to objecting to the appearance of favoritism.

“A consistent favoritism of one opponent over another would not be a sustainable policy for a referee in, say, the WWE,” he explained, referring to the largest promoter of the staged sporting events. “But WWE vets will have less trouble if they fail to hold a consistent line as members of UNIFIL, unless they happen to favor Israel, because the international community isn’t impartial.”

UNIFIL has yet to publicize what other groups are candidates for targeted recruitment, but unconfirmed reports by clerical staff point to the International Federation of the Blind, as well as former Nazis living in South America.