“I thought my experience holding a janitor hostage would be an asset.”
New York, June 30 – Alumni and aspiring alumni of this city’s premier academic institution in attendance at an event for prospective employers to recruit attendees acknowledged that the representatives of the Islamic militant group that has run the Gaza Strip since 2007 – and for whom many of the students have expressed enthusiastic support in the wake of the group’s massacre and kidnapping of Israelis on October 7 of last year – offered few, if any, opportunities that dovetail with the students’ demonstrated talent stack during the last ten months of campus protests, most notably with a discernible absence of even entry-level jobs that call for proficiency in chanting rhyming English couplets while wearing surgical masks and accosting passers-by.
Visitors to the Hamas booth at Columbia University’s Alumni Employment Fair this past Saturday noted with disappointment that the skills they have developed and showcased since October to back Hamas and its allies in Gaza, have next to no overlap with the positions the organization advertised at the fair: not a single position in harassing normies, challenging the visibly-Jewish to condemn Israeli “genocide,” or even making righteous demands at press conference for others to provide vegan, gluten-free food, to name a few.
“I still have dreams of working for them,” admitted Reef Boyles, who will be gin her senior year in the fall. “I spent the better part of the last two semesters showing my solidarity with Palestine and denouncing Zionist settler-colonialism. My professors even gave me political science and sociology course credit for it. I’m just not seeing my would-be employer showing the flexibility that I’ve always been shown whenever things threaten to get slightly less than perfect for me. That’s worrying.”
“Maybe they’ll come around,” she reasoned. “That’s how it’s worked or me until now. And Hamas is known for its willingness to compromise.”
“I thought my experience holding a janitor hostage would be an asset,” lamented Lelies Smith, now pursuing a Master’s Degree from Teachers College. “I even wore my Hezbollah T-shirt here. The guys at the booth kind of gave me a funny look. Maybe I was wearing my keffiyeh wrong? I don’t think so. It was dyed rainbow. I’m super-progressive, just like them. Thing is, they didn’t encourage me to apply for anything. What I did see required skills and experience that I didn’t put in my resume.”
“I did make sure to put my pronouns in, right at the top,” zey added.
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