Syria: ‘Almost Done Using Chemical Arms, Then You Can Have Them’

Damascus, April 22 – Syria’s embattled government says it is almost ready to hand over what remains of its chemical weapons stockpile, but it just needs to perpetrate a few more atrocities with them first.

Under an agreement with various other countries, Syrian President Basher Assad consented to part with its inventory of weaponized chemical agents, after several documented uses of the arms in contravention of international law. Amid squabbling and missed deadlines, the actual delivery of the weapons to international representatives has been conducted in fits and starts, with the government trying to get in a few good massacres with the weapons while it still can.

“We’ll have them with you in a jiffy- we just need to conduct a few more attacks with our nerve gas and it’ll be good to go,” said government spokesman Sarin Sarin. “Just let us finish up here and you can have all the rest.”

The statement came amid reports of yet another chemical attack against areas held by rebels, with many civilians and children among the casualties. International will to actively oppose Syria’s violent suppression of dissent has been lacking, leading to more frequent and bolder deployment of the chemical arms that, for example, President Barack Obama specifically called a red line that, if crossed, would bring dire consequences. Those consequences have not been forthcoming, leading Assad and his supporters to more openly defy such ultimatums and continue massacring Syrians.

In the meantime, the agreements that Assad did sign, accepting a handover of the weapons, have gone unimplemented, with excuses ranging from logistical and technical obstacles to outright accusations that the rebels themselves have been obstructing the process. Giggles were heard from the next room as a spokesman made that last accusation.

In a related development, Syria has also shipped more than a million refugees to Jordan, Turkey, and Lebanon, saying it no longer has any use for them and the new host countries are welcome to take them.