NY Times acknowledgement of Biden’s brain-pudding has removed industry’s barriers to acting on it.
Pittsburgh, July 4 – Manufacturers of creamy desserts scrambled this week to secure exclusivity to the contents of the president’s head, following a debate performance last week demonstrating the unmistakable softness and density that the companies crave to represent their products, industry insiders disclosed today.
A consultant who works with Kraft Foods and Conagra, among other gustatory giants in the US market, told reporters Thursday that the obvious pudding-brain inside Joe Biden’s head has led many of those corporations to set about trying to get their hands, legally speaking, on that pudding-for-brains, with an eye toward leveraging its appeal in a significant portion of the creamy treat retail market.
“Pudding is a consistent favorite in food manufacturing,” stated Van Nilla of consulting firm KPMG. “Both the ‘instant’ variety one makes at home from a powder, or the ready-to-eat little tubs from the supermarket – they offer value, variety, and perform strongly in consumer-satisfaction surveys. Sales figures support that conclusion, as well. It’s only natural that such a valuable segment of grocery industry manufacturing will attract interest in opportunities to continue nurturing such a profitable niche. The fact that everyone is now free to acknowledge Biden’s brain is pudding has removed the industry’s barriers to acting on that knowledge.”
Nilla noted that marketing executives had reservations about moving on Biden’s pudding-brain without explicit discourse about his mental capacity in the mainstream media. “Once The New York Times said it, everyone knew it was Go time,” he explained. “The companies certainly had plans ready to go, and the legal moves are already in the pipeline – but that couldn’t happen until it became OK in the media space to put ‘Biden,’ ‘mental state,’ and ‘pudding’ in the same sentence.”
A Kraft executive who spoke on condition of anonymity told a reporter that this marks at least the eighth time in the last five years that the marketing department and outside marketing consultants had floated and explored Biden’s association with dessert or snack foods as a possible avenue for advertising. “Imagine the familiar image, popularized in memes, of the president eating ice cream,” she urged. “The marketing potential for such a visual could be tremendous. There’s at least one study in our files weighing such an endeavor. If memory serves, the main reason we never pursued it in the end was the concern, as manifest in a few focus groups, that the image would actually hurt sales.”
High school physics teachers, however, have found their lessons on Newtonian physics – specifically, gravity – much easier to convey to students with a plethora of Biden clips demonstrating the phenomenon.
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