Sir, Please Reassign Me From Listening In On Khamenei’s Phone Sex With His Daughter

by Agent 42069, Mossad Communications Surveillance Section

Tel Aviv, July 23 – I’m requesting a transfer, sir. I cannot take much more of this. Please find someone else to monitor the Iranian Supreme Leader’s lewd conversations with his daughter.

It’s become too much. It’s one thing to have to hear those exchanges, sometimes multiple times to make sure I heard right; it’s another thing to then have to write a report for each one, often with transcription. It’s affecting me psychologically. Please reassign me, at least temporarily, to a less harrowing task, such as feeding Hamas corpses to maggots, or listening in on what our bugs in the Oval Office rec- actually, forget that one. It makes me depressed to witness that man’s cognitive decline.

Anyway, sir, what I’m saying is that I’ve discovered I don’t have the disposition to handle this task. I though I did – I’ve handled numerous harrowing assignments with minimal emotional or psychological trouble. I was on the team that first reviewed the October 7 footage. That was painful, but I got through it. This… this is different.

I don’t know what the straw was that broke the camel’s back. Maybe it was the ayatollah’s description of what he was going to do to Brosha with his tongue; maybe it was the introduction of vegetables into the conversations; maybe it was the suggestion that they involve her sister Hoda. Certainly by the time he brought up what he did to each of them regularly when she was a child, I knew this was not for me.

Please, sir, do not make me listen in to one more conversation in which they discuss the times years ago he invited his brother Hadi to participate, and about arranging more such encounters.

It was creepy enough when all I had to do was catalog Khamenei’s porn habits. Perhaps his interest in the “incest” category should have clued me in sooner. But some users do that just because of the “naughty” factor, I’m sure, and they know most of the material is staged. This is of a different order entirely. You should warn whoever replaces me that it’s going to be a big deal. I might need some mental health time.

Sir, I must insist, or it will affect my job performance. It’s already affecting my life outside the office.

Assign it to those Epstein or Weinstein people. They seem to have the stomach for beyond-the-pale things.

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