Hezbollah Vows Ineffectual, Pathetic Retaliation ‘At A Time Of Our Choosing’

“We will unleash untold wrath on a field of straw somewhere outside the town of Shlomi!”

Beirut, September 25 – The leader of the Iran-backed Shiite militia that exercises effective control of Lebanon promised again today that Israel will suffer the organization’s vengeance for its covert operations last week that detonated thousands of communications devices of the movement’s operatives, killing dozens and injuring hundreds, if not more, vengeance that will include such formidable targets as chicken coops, old fences, cow pastures, front gardens of houses, and decorative lawn ornaments.

Hezbollah chief Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah delivered a brief broadcast address today from his bunker in the capital, vowing to retaliate against Israel for the attacks last Tuesday and Wednesday that saw more than 4,000 beepers, walkie-talkies, and other radio equipment explode at once – both reducing the militia’s combat personnel and compromising its entire communication network. Nasrallah threatened to hit Israel “at a time and place of our choosing” with the most pathetic excuse for retribution that the Middle East has seen since the last time Iran and its proxies tried and failed to inflict extensive damage on Israel.

“The Zionist Entity will rue the day it reached out its cursed hand to harm our fighters,” he declared. “Our mighty hand will, in turn, strike a blow the enemy will never forget, laying waste to at least two thirds of a poultry-raising facility somewhere in the Galilee, and perhaps some rusty playground equipment in Kiryat Shemonah.”

“The enemy is not the only group that can issue threats!” he continued. “We have reserved some of our most fearsome weapons for just this scenario, and we will unleash untold wrath on a field of straw somewhere outside the town of Shlomi! Tremble in your cowardly boots, Zionist usurpers!”

Operators cut Nasrallah’s speech short after rumors began circulating that the speakers, transmitters, and screens carrying it might also have explosives embedded in them, to be remotely triggered at some key moment. Confused broadcasters told listeners to seek shelter away from any technology, which many Lebanese cannot use anyway because the country’s political and economic collapse under Hezbollah’s stranglehold has deprived them of the wherewithal to pay for electricity.

Pressure to retaliate for the beeper and walkie-talkie operations has grown in both Hezbollah and Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, the umbrella entity Tehran uses to coordinate, train, and arm its proxy forces in Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, and Yemen. Dozens of beepers exploded in the hands and pockets of IRGC members in Syria and Iraq, as well.

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