Sir, Don’t Throw It, The IDF Has Attached Boomerangs To Our Grena-

by Hisham Fadi, Hezbollah militaman

Bint Jbail, October 30 – Sir! Sir! I think our ordnance is compromised! Please, call the men back and instruct them not to use their grenades – I think Israel did a similar thing with them to that thing with the pagers. I think the grenades are going to turn around in midair and come back to us. Sir!

Sir, please listen. I know it seems far-fetched. But so would the idea that Israel would position itself in the supply chain for our secure communication devices so it could add explosives to the battery packs and then detonate thousands of them simultaneously. You own brother lost his eyesight and three fingers in that operation!

I am NOT being paranoid. The latest intelligence reports have indications that the Mossad did something similar with our latest batch of grenades, in addition a few lots of anti-tank missiles and some mortar shells. I know the IDF is just down the hill from here, and you’re itching to shoot something, anything, at them. I just think we should hold off until we’ve checked the grenades. Lest they, uh, come back to bite us.

Remember just a few weeks ago when we did foil another plot, with that shipment of Kalashnikovs whose barrels pointed back at the user? Yeah, that would have been disastrous. There is certainly reason for an abundance of caution. I’m sure you understand.

Sir, I know the grenades look normal! That’s the whole point! The enemy could never have gotten this far with such an operation if any of us could look at a grenade and realize, “Hey, that looks like it’s been modified to make a one-hundred-eighty-degree course change and harm the person who threw it instead of his intended target.” The Zionists are evil, but Allah knows they are not stupid.

Yes I know the grenades we used last week worked just fine. But these are a new batch, which we procured in a hurry, because the IDF kept blowing up our stockpiles. You don’t think it’s a little suspicious that a “Hungarian” arm dealer just happened to have available a few thousand grenades of exactly the obsolete type that we trained with?

Sir! Sir! No, I don’t want you to ‘demonstrate’ to me that the grenades are fine! Please just listen to me and- SIR! PLEASE PUT THE PIN BACK IN THE GRENADE! SIR! YOU CAN’T-

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