“Like, you don’t even understand that AIPAC isn’t Israeli.”
Doha, February 3 – The leaders of a Persian Gulf emirate whose largesse, deceit, and ingratiation have allowed it to cozy up to the most influential institutions, politicians, and pundits in the West cannot stop laughing at your insistence that Jerusalem pulls the strings in Washington, a Qatari official disclosed today.
Qatar has cultivated deep, extensive relationships with European and American media, government, and academic personalities and organizations over the last several decades with its functionally limitless petrodollars, enabling the Islamist regime to subtly steer scrutiny away from itself and its allies while fomenting firestorms of criticism and discontent aimed at its rivals and foes – notably Israel, whose lobbying efforts lie several orders of magnitude short of Qatar’s. This irony never fails to to amuse Qatar.
“It’s gratifying, of course, because that’s precisely what we aim to achieve,” acknowledged the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But it also tickles us pink, because we keep discovering just how monumentally stupid you are. We play you like a fiddle. Your underlying prejudices about Jews, which you will deny till your dying day that you harbor, make you susceptible to our manipulation, and while you’re having hissy fits online about AIPAC and ‘the Logan Act’ as if you know what either of those things are, we’re pursuing our agenda with almost no resistance. Goddamn, it’s funny.”
“Like, you don’t even understand that AIPAC isn’t Israeli,” the official continued. “It’s just another American lobbying and interest group, like the insurance industry, trade associations, or nature activists. All funded and run by US citizens. That’s not what we do; we fund universities, grade school curriculums, cultural institutions, think tanks, and anything else we can think of, and our influence is far more profound – not to mention more at odds with stated US interests – than anything Israel ever wanted. But you keep ranting about Congress being ‘Israeli-occupied territory.’ It never fails to induce a guffaw.”
Other regimes allied with Qatar agreed that your toxic obsession with the world’s only Jewish state provides both humor and opportunity for cynical exploitation. “We appreciate and exploit same phenomenon,” observed a Chinese official who until several weeks ago oversaw propaganda operations at TikTok. “You Americans much dishonor, but much dishonor play into Beijing hands. Curse for you, blessing for us. You obsess over Israel, while China funds Confucius Institutes on American campuses and Qatar spreads pro-Islamist ideas without you knowing. Then you blame Israel.”
“Stupid, but China not complain.”
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