Angels Arguing For Another Round Of Cartoon-Instigated Muslim Violence

Heaven, July 16 – Supernal sources are reporting that several influential archangels are lobbying the Almighty for another set of riots in the Muslim world ostensibly sparked by Western cartoons offensive to Islam, since the first time around was so entertaining.

In September 2010 a Danish newspaper published several cartoons that included images of the prophet Mohammed, the founder of Islam. Muslims in Denmark took offense, as depicting the prophet is forbidden under Islamic law. Once word of the cartoons spread across the Muslim world, riots and assaults on Danish, Christian, and Western institutions in general broke out, leading to the deaths of at least 137 people. Beyond the humor of the cartoons themselves, which God Himself described as, “on the funny side,” the heavenly host was in tears of laughter over the childish, insecure reaction of those who could see a reason for such destruction in a few drawings.

“Oh, Me, these people are hopeless, aren’t they?” the Almighty was heard to exclaim to archangel Gabriel, who smiled and shook his head in grim appreciation. “What else should We plan for them?” The result of that inquiry became the 2012 film Innocence of Muslims, a cinematically horrible mockery of the prophet and his followers that served as a convenient excuse for further anti-Western, anti-American, and anti-Jewish attacks and rhetoric.

With nearly two years elapsed since that tempest in a religious teapot, angelic personalities are keen to poke insecure Muslims with an ideological stick again, then sit back and watch. But a growing number of such saintly beings are arguing for a slightly bigger spectacle this time.

“The cartoons and that silly movie were very good at showing just how thin-skinned and weak some people are, which is always entertaining,” said the angel Michael, noting that such phenomena were lampooned long ago in the book of Esther. “And obviously those weren’t isolated cases – there was the whole Satanic Verses fiasco, in which [Iranian Ayatollah] Khomeini had a hissy fit and, in his attempt to shore up the honor of the Islamic world, made it look like a spoiled child.”

“Don’t forget we already have some pretty big things going on,” jumped in Uriel. “You have like 800 million people sworn to destroy this tiny Jewish country a hundredth of that size smack in their midst, and have been spectacularly unsuccessful for 66 years now. Israel is this thriving, dynamic place, and they’re too busy blowing each other up to accomplish anything. So we have to look for some variety.”

At press time, the Lord and Mohammed were guffawing loudly over several of the prophet’s suggestions.