Knesset To Honor Both Israeli Celebrities Not Accused Of Crimes

Jerusalem, August 18 – A special governmental committee has decided to award citations of merit to two moderately prominent entertainers who have somehow managed to remain the only such personalities in their industry without any arrests or police investigations in the last fifteen years.

Elad Buzaglo and Moti Katz, a singer and magician, respectively, have held relatively successful careers in their field since the early 1990’s, and have never been the subject of any criminal investigation. Nor has either of their names has been mentioned in connection with the tawdry or unsavory aspects of Israeli celebrity. To mark what they call this “superhuman” achievement, the Knesset Committee on Awards and Ceremonies voted last week to grant a medal and certificate to Buzaglo and Katz.

“It is rare indeed to encounter people of such caliber,” said committee chairwoman Limor Livnat, a career politician. “The news is awash with news of singers, actors, and other performers accused of everything from statutory rape and tax evasion to murder and abetting a felony.” It came as such a surprise to the committee that there were any entertainers left in the country without the taint of criminality that its members voted unanimously to cite Buzaglo and Katz for their non-achievement. Livnat, who assumed the chairmanship when her predecessor was forced to resign amid extortion allegations, noted that there was so little time between the revelation of the entertainers’ behavior and the vote that the usual corruption surrounding Knesset committee votes was simply unable to assert itself.

Commentators were similarly shocked that such people existed. “I could have sworn that fame in pop culture was 100% correlated at least with resisting arrest, if not manslaughter, drug possession, or DWI,” said prominent attorney Ronel Fisher during an interview from his jail cell. “We know it’s par for the course in labor unions, politics, sports, law, law enforcement, government contracting, construction, municipal services, television, film, health care, accounting, business consulting, management, marketing, trucking, energy, aviation, and oversight, just to name a few, so this comes as a breath of…” he tailed off, unable to remember the rest of the metaphor.